Not only am I back, but I'm back in a big way. I've managed to secure an exclusive one-on-one interview with none other than Ben Stiller, who you may have seen in a bunch of movies.
|This freakin' guy.|
Me: Good afternoon, Ben. Thank you for being here today.
Ben Stiller: No problem, thanks for having me!
Me: So you've got a new movie coming out soon, Zoolander 2.
BS: Um... Actually it came out a couple of weeks ago. That's why I had time to be here, ha ha!
Me: Mm hmm. So Ben, you're a fucking idiot, huh?
BS: [pause, nervous laughter] Ah, yeah... My character in the movie is definitely not the brightest, that's for sure.
Me: Don't be coy. I meant you and you know it.
Me: Let me tell you a little story, Ben.
Me: About 15 years ago, I saw Zoolander. At the time, I was an easily amused teenager and liked pretty much every comedy I saw.
BS: So you---
Me: But even a young, impressionable, easily amused me thought Zoolander was completely idiotic. Probably the worst movie ever.
Me: So now--15 years later--after what little relevance it may have ever possessed has completely expired--you made a sequel to the worst movie ever? Are you really that desperate? Did Night at the Museum 7 get canceled or something? What the hell were you thinking?
BS: Well.. um... There are a lot of people who... There was a real big push on the Internet to get a sequel made, and--
Me: Ben, if you put up a Kickstarter trying to raise funds to murder a thousand kittens, flay them, and sew their remnants into a statue of Mussolini you'd probably get more than a few takers.
The Internet is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE place.
If I had to name the five most terrible, soulless places in the world, the Internet would be all six of them.
BS: That doesn't--
Me: So don't give me that crap.
BS: [lip quivering]
Me: This movie was a shit idea and you know it.
BS: [sobbing] I know! Okay? I know! All I know how to do is play idiots! It's not what I want, It's just me. [sniffle] I've tried to do serious movies! I mean, it worked for Steve Carell, so why not me?
Me: Aw, Ben. Come on. Steve Carell's better than you.
BS: [sobbing continues] Of course he is! But even Will Farrell managed to do a decent movie where he didn't play a total moron!
Me: Ah, you mean Stranger Than Fiction.
BS: [sniffle] Mm hmm.
Me: Yes, that movie is a shining star on a résumé that's otherwise smeared with feces. Probably would have been better with someone other than him, but still good.
Speaking of Will, he's in this new movie too, right?
BS: [nodding, blowing nose]
Me: Do you guys ever talk outside of work?
BS: We hang out sometimes, yeah.
Me: Tell him he sucks. He's probably the second worst human being on this planet. You're the worst, of course.
BS: [silence, blowing of nose, followed by more self-conscious silence]
BS: [sniffle] Can I leave now?
Me: I don't care what you do, Ben. [He gets up to leave] No one does.