Friday, December 9, 2011

Albert Pujols Signs with Angels, Begins Reign of Terror

Up there!  It's a bird! It's Superman! No, it's that plane I bought.
Yesterday, first baseman Albert Pujols called a press conference to announce that he had signed a 10 year, 254 million dollar contract with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (who apparently can't decide which city they play for).  Albert had worn number 5 on his St. Louis Cardinals jersey since the beginning of his career, making his home in St. Louis and opening a restaurant there called "Pujols 5."
Albert approached the podium chewing vigorously on a piece of "5" brand gum produced by the Wrigley company, which Albert had purchased that morning along with three new BMWs, a solid gold bidet, and the planet Neptune.
After giving a brief statement, Pujols was asked why after repeatedly saying money wasn't a high priority for him and he simply wanted to play on a successful baseball team he opted to leave the St. Louis Cardinals, who had won the World Series twice in Albert's time with the team.  His response was as follows:  
"Yeah man, you know, it's all about the winning.  I just wanna play some ball, you know.  The Cardinals, we win the World Series and stuff, and the Angels, they gonna pay me a whole lot of fucking money, man.  So yeah, I just wanna play on a team that's gonna win some ballgames."
When he was told that his statement made absolutely no fucking sense Albert killed three reporters, removed their spines, and twisted them into a horrific representation of the number 5. 
Albert then informed those present that he had a special surprise for all of his fans:
"I got a big surprise for all my peoples today, man.  Back home [in his native Dominican Republic] we kinda poor, you know, so I figure I buy the whole goddamn country.  We gonna rename it and everything.  I call it 'Pujols.'  It's cool, yeah?"  
Albert then produced a large map with the Dominican Republic circled and a picture of his face sloppily glued on top of it. 
"Now that I got all this money I can help out all my peoples back home.  I can use the money I make in the Angels to help make the Dominican Republic a great place for all the kids to sew my baseball jerseys and make shoes and stuff to sell so I can make some money, you know?  It's gonna be great, man!" 
At this point, Albert smiled broadly; the first time he had done so since the conference began.  
When asked if he thought he would be able to maintain his high level of play throughout the length of his 10 year contract despite already being in his thirties, Pujols cackled maniacally, turned into a bat, and flew out of the room.
There were no survivors.