Monday, August 20, 2012

"Papyrus" Font is Hereby Banned

I just wanted to let everyone know that if I catch anyone using...

...for your business logo, band logo, printing on the back of your book, movie subtitles (looking at you, James Cameron), heading for your website, or pretty much ANYTHING AT ALL I will probably stick spoons in your eyes. 
This has become the most ridiculously overused font in the world of late.  The most recent and infuriating example I've noticed is that Edible Arrangements uses it in their logo. EDIBLE FREAKING ARRANGEMENTS, a business whose continued existence completely defies all logic and common sense.  That association in itself should be enough to shame you into not using it.


I'm begging you.


Thursday, August 9, 2012

Rhythmic Gymnastics: My New Favorite Sport

As those of you not living in refrigerator boxes in dark alleys are probably aware, the Summer Olympics have been going on of late.  We've all seen the standard Olympic events (various track events, swimming, boat races, cattle mutilation, etc.) but the best part about the all-day Olympic TV coverage is you get to discover new sports.

Today, I'd like to talk about rhythmic gymnastics. 

"What are rhythmic gymnastics?" you ask, because you like asking stupid questions, the answers to which you were obviously going to get if you could have just waited a second or two.

Rhythmic gymnastics aren't gymnastics in the traditional sense, with all the vaulting and backflipping and whatever the hell it is those crazy Chinese dudes are doing.  The participant dances around with a ball, hula hoop, or ribbon.  They throw the aforementioned item around a bit.  They dance some more.  Maybe a somersault or two.
Yep.  That's it.  This sport must have been created as a failed attempt to get strippers into the Olympics.  Imagine the awkward childhood moments:
"What do you want to be when you grow up, Timmy?" asks the teacher.
"A fireman!"
"That sounds great!  And you, Sarah?"
"I'm gonna be a veterinarian!"
"Wonderful!  What about you, Olga?"
"I'm gonna dance around a lot and throw a ball in the air and catch it with my thighs."
"Yes... that sounds fun... we all like to play.  But what are you going to do for your career?"
"No, seriously!  Dancing!  With a ball!  Throw it!  Catch it!  Repeat!  I'm a princess!"
"Oh.  Well.  Um... your mother will be proud, I'm sure.  Hopefully there's a McDonald's hiring nearby."

"But wait!" you say.  "This doesn't sound like something you'd enjoy!  The page said it's your new favorite sport!  What's so great about it?"

Well, you see...

The umm... competitive nature of the sport is very...

You can easily appreciate the... rigorous.. ah... technicality of...

That is to say... anyone can enjoy the event's... philosophical...