Friday, January 13, 2012

The Devil Made Me Buy Coke Zero



Anyone who’s read much of my writing would probably tell you I love writing about things I hate.
That’s not true, though. I hate hating things. When I hate something, that means it’s wronged me and it’s probably decreasing the quality of my life. When I write about it I have to relive the hatred. Therefore, I hope you all appreciate the great sacrifice I’m making by writing this for you.
Which brings me to something I just learned that I hate. Coke Zero. It’s Coca-Cola. It’s got zero calories. But it’s not Diet Coke. It’s better. It’s different.
NO! It’s the same goddamn thing!
I went to the store today to buy some stuff and as I passed the beer aisle, that little devil on my shoulder calmly insisted that if I didn’t buy some goddamn beer he was going to pitchfork my eardrums until April. Fortunately, the angel on the other shoulder bailed me out (somewhat). Here’s a rough transcript of their conversation:

Devil: 
BUY BEER! BUY BEER!
Angel: 
No, we’ve had our fair share of beer in the past few days. Let’s not do any drinking tonight. Besides, beer’s expensive. We make like $40 a week. We’ve eaten Ramen noodles and grass clippings for three days straight.
Devil:
BUY BEER! BUY BEER!
Angel
Ugh, what, are you retarded? Are you listening to what I’m saying?
Devil
Buuuuuuuuuuuuy…
Angel
Listen, if you—
Devil
BEEEEEEEEEER!
Angel:
All right, let’s compromise here. Remember that big jug of whiskey? We’ve still got a fair lot of it left. We’ll drink some of that. It’s already paid for. No additional hits to the wallet. Deal?
Devil:
[grumble grumble want beer] Ok. What are we mixing it with? All we have at home is milk and water, and damned if I’m drinking that bottom-of-the-barrel-five-dollars-a-gallon piss-whiskey straight. Buy some Coke. Or Pepsi. Whichever’s cheaper.
Angel:
All right, fair enough. We can spare a buck or two for a two-liter. But let’s not go full-sugar soda. We’ve been watching our food intake a bit of late and can finally refer to our pecs as “pecs” instead of “tits,” which is nice.
Devil:
[angrily] Fine. You win this time, but next time we get drunk in public I’m making sure we do something especially stupid. You’ll regret this. [disappears into cloud of smoke]
Angel
[to me] Ok, we don’t much care for diet soda, so let’s do one of those that are supposed to be low-calorie but better than diet.
Devil:
[reappears in cloud of smoke] But if they’re better than diet, why doesn’t everyone buy them and stop buying diet altogether?
Angel:
Would you fuck off already? We’re getting some nasty aspartame-filled bullshit regardless; I’m just trying to ease the pain. [to me] So anyway, get Pepsi Max or Coke Zero.
Me:
I’ve tried Pepsi Max before. It’s just Diet Pepsi in a different bottle.
Other store patrons:
Who the hell is he talking to? Weirdo.
Angel:
Fine, get Coke Zero instead. We’ve always liked Coke better anyway…

BEGIN TANGENT
…but not so much more as to make me be a total assclown like you dicks who order a Coke and upon being asked if Pepsi is ok respond with something along the lines of, “Oh. Well. Never mind then. Just piss into a cup and give it to me because I’d rather drink that than Pepsi.” FUCK YOU. They’re both colas and taste only marginally different. I bet most of you inbred siamangs couldn’t even tell the difference between the two if it weren’t for the bottles being labeled. Unless Pepsi raped your mother and robbed you of your 401k, cut the bullshit and just drink what’s available. God, I hate you.
END TANGENT

Me:
Yeah, sounds good. Hey, there’s only one bottle of Coke Zero left. Lucky me! I bet that means it’s gonna be really good because so many people buy it and stuff.
Devil
You don’t believe a word you’re saying, do you?
Me
[despondent] No.

FOUR HOURS LATER

Me:
COKE ZERO SUCKS! THIS IS JUST DIET COKE IN A BLACK BOTTLE! YOU DIRTY BASTARDS, YOU TRICKED ME!!!!

FIVE HOURS LATER

Me:
I’m fairly certain I have stomach cancer. If I don’t have it, I deserve it for pouring such utter filth into my guts. Damn you, Coke Zero. You are all that is bad and wrong in the world.