Monday, September 24, 2012

Vince Wilfork Eats Ray Rice

Following Sunday's 31-30 loss to the Baltimore Ravens, New England Patriots defensive lineman Vince Wilfork was seen on the sidelines eating Ravens running back Ray Rice.
 Wilfork--known as a solid defender, excellent run stopper, and the fattest goddamned person ever to be seen on a football field ever in the history of everything--reportedly devoured Rice in only two bites, only pausing briefly to spit out his helmet.
When asked to explain his actions, Vince casually replied, "When you see somethin' that says 'Cheetos' on it, you don't stop to check if it's really got Cheetos in it.  You just eat it.  Sometimes the bag, too.  So I see somethin' that says 'Rice' on it and I'm like, 'Yeah, I could go for some rice right now.'  Turns out it was a guy instead.  [shrugs]  Hey, nobody's perfect."
Wilfork's girth has caused him issues before, often making him the butt (pun absolutely intended) of numerous jokes.

It's almost too easy.
He has been reprimanded in the past for similar incidents, having hastily devoured such contraband as 46 NFL regulation size footballs, 11 tackling dummies, former teammate Ty Law, and Bill Belichick's 1995 Chevrolet Cavalier.  It is unknown whether Vince will be disciplined for this recent conspicuous consumption.

Wilfork daydreaming about Pop Tarts and chocolate cake
In response to a reporter's question about whether Wilfork regretted the Ray Rice incident, Vince shrugged and replied, "Nah, I mean, he was ok I guess.  A little bland, though.  I mean, there was some [Patriots linebacker Jerod] Mayo there and all but what I really could've gone for was some soy sauce.  Yeeeeaaaah."
Wilfork then licked his lips, stomach rumbling as reporters fled in terror.