Wednesday, August 21, 2013

What Meat Loaf Wouldn't Do For Love: The Bold Claims of Popular Musicians (Part 3)

Twice before (exhibit A, exhibit B), we have brought closure to the great mysteries surrounding many popular song lyrics.  Today, we're back for exhibit C.

No!  Not like that!

Finding from our second foray that interviews are a little more personal and conclusive, we've decided to continue in that format.




Statement:
    "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."

"Artist" / Song
    Meat Loaf / I Would Do Anything For Love


"I can't believe they used my song for that damned M&Ms commercial!"


Information:
    I have to believe it's something like toe sucking or pee.  Meat Loaf seems pretty kinky, but everyone's gotta draw the line somewhere.  Or maybe going vegan is his one no-no.


I SAID NO VEGGIES!

The interview:
  
    Meat Loaf: Hello?
    Me:  Hello, Mr. Loaf?
    Meat:  [laughs] Oh, you don't have to call me that!
    Me:  Oh, right. YOUR NAME IS ROBERT PAULSEN.
    Meat:  [sigh]
    Me:  Moving right along. So, in that song "I Would Do Anything For Love," you say you'd do anything for love but you won't do that. What do you mean by "that?"
    Meat:  Bondage.
    Me:  Bondage?
    Meat:  Yep. Bondage. Won't do it.
    Me:  Really. Wow. I mean, I've heard a lot of people are willing to do a little bondage here and there... I was expecting something a little more... serious.
    Meat:  Nope. That's it. Some of the things I've done for love... well, you don't wanna know.
    Me:  But no bondage.
    Meat:  Nope. Right out.
    Me:  Okay then. Well, thank you.
    Meat:  No problem. Wait... so... who did you say you were again? And for that matter, who gave you my phone number?
    Me:  Ssssshhh. First rule of Project Mayhem, Bob. [click]

The Verdict:
    Bondage.  Who would have known?





Statement:
    "I kissed a girl and I liked it."

"Artist" / Song:
    Katy Perry / I Kissed a Girl


Katy Perry: Kissing girls and looking confused since  2008

Information:
    We tried to figure this one out in our last installment, but were unsuccessful.  But we're nothing if not tenacious, so let's have another go.

The interview:
    Katy Perry’s PR Rep:  Hello, [name of PR agency], [this chick’s name] speaking. How may I help you?
    Me:  May I speak to Katy Perry, please?
    PR Rep:  This is her talent agency, would you like to set up an interview?
    Me:  Absolutely.
    PR Rep:  All right, and who are you with?
    Me:  Jesus, do you ask everyone that or does my voice just get you all hot and bothered?
    PR Rep:  I... Excuse me?
    Me:  Because if some attention's what you need I could be there in half an hour wearing nothing but a smile.
    PR Rep:  Um.
    Me:  And some clothes. My lawyer has advised me not to leave my residence without first putting on some clothes.
    PR Rep:  Ok, I--
    Me:  So I guess I won't be smiling after all because damn do I hate wearing pants, you feel me? You know, maybe we should just call the whole thing off.

At this point she hung up on me. Fortunately I had cloned Liam Neeson's phone a few days ago for just this sort of situation and used his number to call her back.

    PR Rep:  Hello, [name of PR agency], [this chick’s name] speaking. How may I help you?
    Me:  I meant call off our little liason, not the interview. Sorry. I guess I was unclear.
    PR RepOkay, I'm--
    Me: Hangonhangonhangon! Donthanguponmeplease!
    PR Rep  [angrily, after a long pause]:  What?
    Me:  I just want to know--did Katy Perry in fact kiss a girl and if so did she in fact like it?
    PR Rep:  [silence]
    Me:  I'm serious.
    PR Rep:  [sigh] Sure. She totally kissed a girl. It was great. She liked it. Loved it in fact. Are you happy now? [pause] Hello?
    Me:  How do you know?
    PR Rep[silence]
    Me: It was YOU, wasn't it?
    PR Rep:  I... Um.
    Me:  Oh, thats hot. I'll be there in thirty minutes. [click]

The verdict:
    CAAAAAAAN YOOU FEEEEL THE LOOOOOOVE TONIIIIIIIGHT



Statement:
    "And if you complain once more, you'll meet an army of me."

"Artist" / Song
    Bjork / Army of Me


Look into my eyes, hated enemy!

Information:
    Well, let's not beat around the bush. I complain a lot. Here's the important question--is Bjork raising an army?

The interview:
    Bjork:  Yeh?
    Me:  Um. Hello. Ms. Bjork?
    B:  Yeh?
    Me:  Hi. Um. Just wondering... I ah... sorry about all the complaining and all... I... um... are you building an army of yourself?
    B:  Kannski sjúga á tærnar smá stund?
    Me:  Oh my. Uh, I mean, the thought of a few thousand of you rampaging across the unsullied virgin landscapes of my precious homeland, I... [gulp]
    B:  Ég myndi mjög mikið njóta að sjá falleg sólsetur frá blóm graslendi Knolls sem fjalla um landslag fallegt jörðinni okkar!
    Me:  OH GOD SAVE US!!!!!!!!!!

The verdict:
    HER NAME IS LEGION FOR SHE IS MANY!  REPENT, FOR THE END IS NIGH!



Thursday, August 15, 2013

A Modern Guide to Political Correctness

Long ago, people pretty much called things as they saw them.  The Native Americans had reddish-tinted skin, so the first visitors to the Americas called them "redskins."

We all know that times have changed.  It's no longer okay to use the antiquated pejoratives of our forefathers, and many professions have had their names changed as well to avoid seeming demeaning to those who practice them. 

Stewardesses are now called "flight attendants."  Secretaries are now "office assistants."  Trash men are "waste management engineers," and nurses are called... um... Actually I think it's still OK to call them nurses, isn't it?

...and they still dress like this, right?

To help you cope with the changing times and customs, we've compiled a list of common professions and hobbies that are often referred to by their antiquated, non-politically-correct names.  We have also provided for you the more proper modern equivalent.  We hope this guide will help you in your everyday dealings with the various peoples of the world.