Wednesday, April 11, 2012

LL Cool J Is Going To Knock Me Out: The Bold Claims of Popular Musicians (Part 2)

In the first installment of this series, we saw the lyrical claims of popular musicians confirmed as either fact or fiction through extensive research and data collection*.  This time, we decided to get the answers straight from the horse’s mouth.

Hours later we were tired, frustrated, and covered in horse bites.  Worse yet, the horse had failed to answer any of our questions.  So, we decided to interview the artists themselves to find out whether their lyrics are for real or they’re just blowing smoke. 

Not like that, damn it!

“I kissed a girl and I liked it.”

“Artist” / Song:
Katy Perry / I Kissed a Girl

 I have experienced physical intimacy with a same-sex partner and found it enjoyable.

The Interview:
            Katy Perry’s PR Rep: Hello, [name of PR agency]**, [this chick’s name]** speaking.  How may I help you?
            Me: Can I speak to Katy, please?
            PR Rep:  I’m sorry?
            Me: Katy.  Ms. Perry.  Ms. Katy Perry.  May I speak to her, please?
            PR Rep: [slightly confused] Oh.  She’s not… physically present here.  Would you like to set up an interview? 
            Me: Yes. 
            PR Rep: All right, and who are you with?
            Me: Actually, I’m single at the moment; thanks for asking.  You sound like you could use some lovin’, though; what are you wearing right now? 
            PR Rep: [audibly irritated] I meant ‘which publication are you with?’
            Me: Oh.  Right.  It’s… well, I operate a small humor elephant on the Internet.  The Internet.  You know, the best of all the Internets.
            PR Rep:  I’m sorry, you said an elephant?
            Me:  Ugh.  Ok, it’s a blog.  God, I hate that word.  I don’t like the word blog so I call it an elephant.  Elephants are better than blogs.
            PR Rep: [long pause] That’s stupid.
            Me: You’re stupid.
            Me: Hello?
            PR Rep: I’m going to hang up now.
            Me: Fair enough.

The Verdict:

 “I’m gonna knock you out.  Mama said knock you out.”

“Artist” / Song:
LL Cool J / I’m Gonna Knock You Out

I am going to strike you with sufficient force to render you unconscious.  My mother instructed me to do so.

The Interview:
            [note: We couldn’t reach LL Cool J for this interview, so we instead called his mother.]
            LL Cool J’s mama: Hello?
            Me: Hello, Mrs. Cool J?
            Mama: What?
            Me: Is this Mrs. Cool J?
            Mama: Wha-- Oh.  Ha ha!  Oh, I get it.  Yeah, this is me.  Who this?
            Me: I think you know.  Let’s cut to the chase.  Did you tell LL to knock me out?
            Mama: Huh?
            Me: For safety’s sake, I’m taking it as a given that he does in fact intend to knock me out, and I’ve lived every day of my life in fear of it since hearing that song.  What I want to know is did you put him up to it?
            Mama:  [pause] I got no idea what you’re talkin’ bout.
            Me: Your son, LL Cool J, intends to knock me out.  He says you told him to do it.  Why?  Why me?
            Mama: Oh!  Ha ha, you mean that song.  Heh.  Oh wow, that’s old school right there.
            Me: Did you or did you not instruct your son to physically assault me? 
            Mama:  What the--I ain’t never told him to beat nobody up, you crazy motha--
            Me: Thank you.

The Verdict:
            False, not that it’ll ease the pain when it finally happens.

You dead, sucka!

 “I’m afraid of Americans.”

“Artist” / Song: 
David Bowie / I’m afraid of Americans

Persons originating from the United States of America instill in me a sense of dread.

The Interview:
            David Bowie: Hello?
            Me: Hi there.  Is this Mr. Bowie?
            DB: Yes, who’s this?
            Me: I’m the lead writer for a small humor elephant based in the Midwest.
            DB: Ah, elephants!  You’re from that zoology site, then, are you?  Wait… the Midwest of what?
            Me: Um… of the United States.
            Me:  Mr. Bowie?  Mr. Bowie, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions?
            DB: [screaming continues]
Me:  Mr. Bowie?  Hello?
DB: [screaming continues]
Me: Mr. Bowie, I was just wondering if you are in fact afraid of Americans.
DB: [screaming continues, accompanied by what sounds like the telephone receiver being bashed repeatedly by a large blunt object]
Me: So… I’ll take that as a yes, then?
DB: [screaming and bashing continues]
Me: Right.

The Verdict:

...and Americans are afraid of this.

*Or I made it up.  Whatever.
**You have no idea how much research it took*** to find out the name of the place, much less the phone number.  No way am I going to let you in on my secrets.

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