Friday, April 15, 2011

Elevators: A Guide For Idiots Like You

Let's not mince words here.  You're an idiot.  As such, you have great difficulty operating simple devices such as elevators.

This elevator is for you.
The following is a guide for idiots wherein we'll discuss your idiotic elevator-related actions and thoughts, what goes on in response to your stupidity, and the unfortunate results thereof.
We hope this guide will help you in your future elevatorial endeavors.

Action #1:  Repeatedly pushing the button for the floor to which you are going

What you think:
“Ohmygod hurry up close the door I'm in a hurry I need to go to the eighth floor NOOOOOOOWWW!”

What the elevator thinks:
I will go to the eighth floor when I'm damn well ready.

The elevator goes to the requested floor when it's damn well ready.

Action #2:  Pushing the “up” elevator request button

What you think:
“Urrr... I need to go... down?”

What the elevator thinks:
Going up.

You go up.

Action #3:  Getting onto the elevator and not pushing any buttons

What you think:
“Yaaaay I'm on an elevator! I get to go straight to the floor I want!”

What the elevator thinks:
For all I know, there's no one in me.

Elevator roulette.

Action #4:  Standing stationary right in the middle of the doorway as the doors open

What you think:
“Duuuuuuuhhhhhh... [Crickets chirping. Fart noises.]

What everyone else on the elevator thinks:
“What the hell's this guy's problem? The doors just opened, which obviously means someone needs to get on or off. I mean, he does know there are seven other people in here, right? God, what a moron.”

Everyone hates you and is now painfully aware of what an idiot you are.

Action #5:  Pushing every freaking button

What you think:
“I need to go to five. I mean eight. No, wait; seven. Two.”

What everyone else thinks:

Everyone hates you and gets a twenty minute elevator ride as the doors open and shut on EVERY GODDAMN FLOOR.

Screw it, I'll just take the stairs.

We hope this guide has been useful to you and invite you to also read our other helpful guides such as "Urinating: The Floor Is Not Where You Should Do This."

Friday, April 8, 2011

Holidays suck. Do something about it.

Holidays suck. Don't try to deny it. They suck. Everyone goes into every holiday thinking “Ok, this is a holiday. That means I'll be happy and have a good time.” But then you aren't and you don't, so you're miserable. Why is this? Are you a sociopath? Are holidays inherently flawed? I think not. More likely, you're just going through the same predetermined motions and antiquated rituals every holiday of every year. So to jazz things up a little, here are a few ways to make your holidays less monotonous and more enjoyable.

1. Celebrate a different holiday.

Are you white? Celebrate Kwanzaa. Jewish? Try Ramadan this year. Southern Baptist? Maybe sing some songs to Ganesha, the Hindu elephant god. American? Call Christmas “Boxing Day” like those crazy Canadians do. And box. You know, with punching.
Better yet, make up a new religious holiday, complete with origin stories and cultural significance. Make up your own deity or just pick someone/something mundane and make it holy.

Last year's Horghmas was a complete success.

2. Change it up a bit.

Instead of giving gifts on Christmas, take stuff from people.
After you've hidden your Easter eggs, instead of finding them, don't find them.
Instead of getting wasted off of Guinness and Jameson on St. Patrick's day... well, never mind. We'll leave that one alone.
Instead of a Christmas tree, have a Christmas bear.

3. Different Time or Location

Christmas is always cold. Independence day is always hot. Easter is always at Uncle Ned's house. Increase your holiday enjoyment by breaking up the temporal and locational monotony.
Celebrate the 4th of July by shooting off fireworks in September. At 3am. On your neighbor's front lawn.
Instead of hiding your kids' Easter eggs in your backyard, hide them at the local strip club.
Have your Thanksgiving feast in the Gaza Strip.

Just don't ask them to cook the turkey.

4. Celebrate without pants.

[As a service to everyone everywhere, I have elected not to include a picture of myself without pants.]

So there you go. Enjoy your newly awesomized holidays.