Holidays suck. Do something about it.

Holidays suck. Don't try to deny it. They suck. Everyone goes into every holiday thinking “Ok, this is a holiday. That means I'll be happy and have a good time.” But then you aren't and you don't, so you're miserable. Why is this? Are you a sociopath? Are holidays inherently flawed? I think not. More likely, you're just going through the same predetermined motions and antiquated rituals every holiday of every year. So to jazz things up a little, here are a few ways to make your holidays less monotonous and more enjoyable.

1. Celebrate a different holiday.

Are you white? Celebrate Kwanzaa. Jewish? Try Ramadan this year. Southern Baptist? Maybe sing some songs to Ganesha, the Hindu elephant god. American? Call Christmas “Boxing Day” like those crazy Canadians do. And box. You know, with punching.

Better yet, make up a new religious holiday, complete with origin stories and cultural significance. Make up your own deity or just pick someone/something mundane and make it holy.

Last year's Horghmas was a complete success.

2. Change it up a bit.

Instead of giving gifts on Christmas, take stuff from people.

After you've hidden your Easter eggs, instead of finding them, don't find them.

Instead of getting wasted off of Guinness and Jameson on St. Patrick's day... well, never mind. We'll leave that one alone.

Instead of a Christmas tree, have a Christmas bear.

3. Different Time or Location

Christmas is always cold. Independence day is always hot. Easter is always at Uncle Ned's house. Increase your holiday enjoyment by breaking up the temporal and locational monotony.

Celebrate the 4^th of July by shooting off fireworks in September. At 3am. On your neighbor's front lawn.

Instead of hiding your kids' Easter eggs in your backyard, hide them at the local strip club.

Have your Thanksgiving feast in the Gaza Strip.

Just don't ask them to cook the turkey.

4. Celebrate without pants.

[As a service to everyone everywhere, I have elected not to include a picture of myself without pants.]

So there you go. Enjoy your newly awesomized holidays.