Wednesday, May 23, 2012

This Is News?

For all you kids out there thinking about going into the news industry, it seems the competition is... well... less than fierce.  The following are all actual recent TV news headlines.  I wish I was making these up.

"Thieves steal disabled man's fishing gear"

Stealing fishing gear is pretty pathetic.  Worse yet is stealing it from a cripple.  Worst of all is the fact that someone felt this was newsworthy enough to make it the featured story.

"Police test gun used in school shooting"
Why?  Obviously it worked.

"Study finds unsafe sex linked to heavy drinking"
Really?  I usually make great decisions when I'm wasted.  Good to know the scientific community is making good use of my tax dollars.

"Delivery men get reckless with packages"
The funny thing about this one is I used to be in a Chippendale group called "Delivery Men."  We were always pretty reckless with our packages, if you know what I mean.

"Suspect accused of horrific crime violated probation"
Weird.  When I was on probation I was told committing horrific crimes was ok.

"Crocodile steals lawnmower, holds it hostage"
Wait.  What?  Let me read that again.  Crocodile steals... wow.  What were his demands?  A toothbrush?  Steve Irwin's ashes?

"Dead dog gets loads of junk mail"
Call me when he wins the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes.

"Reality TV star shoots man taking nap"
Cruelty!  At least have the decency to wait until he wakes up.

"Homeless people used as Wi-Fi hotspots"
This idea was taken from the Chernobyl area where local bums were used as street lamps.

"Man Sues BMW Claiming Motorcycle Ride Gave Him Painful Two-Year Erection"
The bike was THAT GOOD.