Wednesday, August 21, 2013

What Meat Loaf Wouldn't Do For Love: The Bold Claims of Popular Musicians (Part 3)

Twice before (exhibit A, exhibit B), we have brought closure to the great mysteries surrounding many popular song lyrics.  Today, we're back for exhibit C.

No!  Not like that!

Finding from our second foray that interviews are a little more personal and conclusive, we've decided to continue in that format.

    "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."

"Artist" / Song
    Meat Loaf / I Would Do Anything For Love

"I can't believe they used my song for that damned M&Ms commercial!"

    I have to believe it's something like toe sucking or pee.  Meat Loaf seems pretty kinky, but everyone's gotta draw the line somewhere.  Or maybe going vegan is his one no-no.


The interview:
    Meat Loaf: Hello?
    Me:  Hello, Mr. Loaf?
    Meat:  [laughs] Oh, you don't have to call me that!
    Meat:  [sigh]
    Me:  Moving right along. So, in that song "I Would Do Anything For Love," you say you'd do anything for love but you won't do that. What do you mean by "that?"
    Meat:  Bondage.
    Me:  Bondage?
    Meat:  Yep. Bondage. Won't do it.
    Me:  Really. Wow. I mean, I've heard a lot of people are willing to do a little bondage here and there... I was expecting something a little more... serious.
    Meat:  Nope. That's it. Some of the things I've done for love... well, you don't wanna know.
    Me:  But no bondage.
    Meat:  Nope. Right out.
    Me:  Okay then. Well, thank you.
    Meat:  No problem. Wait... so... who did you say you were again? And for that matter, who gave you my phone number?
    Me:  Ssssshhh. First rule of Project Mayhem, Bob. [click]

The Verdict:
    Bondage.  Who would have known?

    "I kissed a girl and I liked it."

"Artist" / Song:
    Katy Perry / I Kissed a Girl

Katy Perry: Kissing girls and looking confused since  2008

    We tried to figure this one out in our last installment, but were unsuccessful.  But we're nothing if not tenacious, so let's have another go.

The interview:
    Katy Perry’s PR Rep:  Hello, [name of PR agency], [this chick’s name] speaking. How may I help you?
    Me:  May I speak to Katy Perry, please?
    PR Rep:  This is her talent agency, would you like to set up an interview?
    Me:  Absolutely.
    PR Rep:  All right, and who are you with?
    Me:  Jesus, do you ask everyone that or does my voice just get you all hot and bothered?
    PR Rep:  I... Excuse me?
    Me:  Because if some attention's what you need I could be there in half an hour wearing nothing but a smile.
    PR Rep:  Um.
    Me:  And some clothes. My lawyer has advised me not to leave my residence without first putting on some clothes.
    PR Rep:  Ok, I--
    Me:  So I guess I won't be smiling after all because damn do I hate wearing pants, you feel me? You know, maybe we should just call the whole thing off.

At this point she hung up on me. Fortunately I had cloned Liam Neeson's phone a few days ago for just this sort of situation and used his number to call her back.

    PR Rep:  Hello, [name of PR agency], [this chick’s name] speaking. How may I help you?
    Me:  I meant call off our little liason, not the interview. Sorry. I guess I was unclear.
    PR RepOkay, I'm--
    Me: Hangonhangonhangon! Donthanguponmeplease!
    PR Rep  [angrily, after a long pause]:  What?
    Me:  I just want to know--did Katy Perry in fact kiss a girl and if so did she in fact like it?
    PR Rep:  [silence]
    Me:  I'm serious.
    PR Rep:  [sigh] Sure. She totally kissed a girl. It was great. She liked it. Loved it in fact. Are you happy now? [pause] Hello?
    Me:  How do you know?
    PR Rep[silence]
    Me: It was YOU, wasn't it?
    PR Rep:  I... Um.
    Me:  Oh, thats hot. I'll be there in thirty minutes. [click]

The verdict:

    "And if you complain once more, you'll meet an army of me."

"Artist" / Song
    Bjork / Army of Me

Look into my eyes, hated enemy!

    Well, let's not beat around the bush. I complain a lot. Here's the important question--is Bjork raising an army?

The interview:
    Bjork:  Yeh?
    Me:  Um. Hello. Ms. Bjork?
    B:  Yeh?
    Me:  Hi. Um. Just wondering... I ah... sorry about all the complaining and all... I... um... are you building an army of yourself?
    B:  Kannski sjúga á tærnar smá stund?
    Me:  Oh my. Uh, I mean, the thought of a few thousand of you rampaging across the unsullied virgin landscapes of my precious homeland, I... [gulp]
    B:  Ég myndi mjög mikið njóta að sjá falleg sólsetur frá blóm graslendi Knolls sem fjalla um landslag fallegt jörðinni okkar!
    Me:  OH GOD SAVE US!!!!!!!!!!

The verdict:

Thursday, August 15, 2013

A Modern Guide to Political Correctness

Long ago, people pretty much called things as they saw them.  The Native Americans had reddish-tinted skin, so the first visitors to the Americas called them "redskins."

We all know that times have changed.  It's no longer okay to use the antiquated pejoratives of our forefathers, and many professions have had their names changed as well to avoid seeming demeaning to those who practice them. 

Stewardesses are now called "flight attendants."  Secretaries are now "office assistants."  Trash men are "waste management engineers," and nurses are called... um... Actually I think it's still OK to call them nurses, isn't it?

...and they still dress like this, right?

To help you cope with the changing times and customs, we've compiled a list of common professions and hobbies that are often referred to by their antiquated, non-politically-correct names.  We have also provided for you the more proper modern equivalent.  We hope this guide will help you in your everyday dealings with the various peoples of the world.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

The Hot Mess Burger - A Culinary Review

Today we'll be showing off our diversity by becoming a food critic.  Our first item up for review is Jack in the Box's Hot Mess Burger, as seen below in all its splendor...

...or not.

Reality sucks.

For those of you unfamiliar with this food item, it's a new burger from that antenna topper/restauranteur Jack, who is known for being "in the box."  The target market for this item is clearly anyone with a discerning palate and a love for more cerebral pursuits, as evidenced by the commercial's main appeal being "it almost has boobs in it."

You'll see this face in your nightmares.

First of all, let's be honest with ourselves.  This is a fast food burger, not steak and lobster.  No point going all food-snob on you and talking about its "flavor profiles" and similar crap.  Instead, I'm going to rate this burger on how well it lives up to its name.  Each attribute will receive a rating of 1 - 5, with 5 being "perfect" and 1 being "bugger this nonsense, I'll just eat some tree bark instead."

1. Hot

Holy Jesus Christ was this thing hot.  Hot as in temperature, that is.  I almost died.  I mean, it seems somewhat stupid to complain about food being too hot (would you rather have it cold?  No.), but there's "hot" hot and there's "Satan's nasal cavities" hot.  After one bite I could feel my face melting off.

I took this picture of myself with my iPhone!
Additionally, one might very logically assume that when a burger comes with jalapeños and pepper jack cheese the word "hot" is to be taken as "spicy."
Spicy this burger is not.  The jalapeños were uncomfortably mild, not to mention light on flavor.  I think they might have been made of wood.  Chewy wood though... at least there's that.  The pepper jack cheese tasted fine but was far from spicy.

Rating: 3/5

As the blisters that now cover the inside of my mouth can attest, this sandwich was hot as all goddamned arseraping hell.  However, I'm deducting two points for the deception as to which version of "hot" I was getting.

2. Mess

They knocked it out of the park on this one.  Onion rings are sloppy as is because the onion always pulls out of the breading, hanging out of one's mouth like the tail of some smelly little rodent, and the cheese was absolutely everywhere.  I'm fairly certain it started out semisolid but once entered into the inferno created by (presumably) the meat, it flowed all over the place.  Also I think there might have been mayonnaise in there.
You know there's a major level of trust between customer and restaurant when they hand you a burger with white mystery glop all over and you eat it without questioning anything.  They could have put anything in there.  Be very polite to the employees when ordering one of these.

Rating: 5/5

You want a mess?  You got it.

Seriously, just look at it.

3. Burger

Rating: 5/5

It is in fact a burger. 


Rating: 4.33

Brutal honesty on the part of Jack in the Box.  This is a hot, messy burger.  Still wish it was spicier.  Whatever. 

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Hand Lotion Just Got Manly!

Winter.  The time of year where Nature flips you the bird and dries your skin into a horrible, dessicated mess until you're forced to do that sad, unmanly thing that we all dread: applying hand lotion.  Your skin's so miserably cracked and dried that as soon as you smear some on, you realize it's not just your hands; it's all of you.  So what started with a little on your hands turns into your forearms, elbows, and so on until you're standing naked in the bathroom covered head to toe in greasy, smelly, girly hand lotion unable to move or touch anything for fear of getting slime all over it.  You're a slug.
But that's not the worst part.  The worst part is reaching for that bottle and thinking to yourself, "GAY."
I bet Rambo never used hand lotion.
When the Vikings rampaged across Scandinavia, pillaging and burning everything in their wake, did they stop to smear on a little hand lotion?
Why not?  Because it's girly.  Or at least it WAS.  Until now.

Introducing Mr. Beefy's Skin Sealant!
This manly bottle of brute force will help to:
  • Maintain skin's tensile strength!
  • Reduce unwanted loss of blood-fluid!
  • Prevent inhibition of muscle growth due to epidermic inflexibility!
  • Prevent breakdown of outer organic body covering!
  • Maintain positive tactile receptivity from domestic partner(s)!
You'll find it in a hardware store or gun shop near you, but I'll tell you where you won't find it: in the goddamn feminine bathroom soap products aisle, that's where.

So there it is.  Someone make this happen.  But remember: it was MY idea.  You owe me at least half the profits.  I have witnesses.