Sunday, January 27, 2013

Hand Lotion Just Got Manly!

Winter.  The time of year where Nature flips you the bird and dries your skin into a horrible, dessicated mess until you're forced to do that sad, unmanly thing that we all dread: applying hand lotion.  Your skin's so miserably cracked and dried that as soon as you smear some on, you realize it's not just your hands; it's all of you.  So what started with a little on your hands turns into your forearms, elbows, and so on until you're standing naked in the bathroom covered head to toe in greasy, smelly, girly hand lotion unable to move or touch anything for fear of getting slime all over it.  You're a slug.
But that's not the worst part.  The worst part is reaching for that bottle and thinking to yourself, "GAY."
I bet Rambo never used hand lotion.
When the Vikings rampaged across Scandinavia, pillaging and burning everything in their wake, did they stop to smear on a little hand lotion?
NO.
Why not?  Because it's girly.  Or at least it WAS.  Until now.


Introducing Mr. Beefy's Skin Sealant!
This manly bottle of brute force will help to:
  • Maintain skin's tensile strength!
  • Reduce unwanted loss of blood-fluid!
  • Prevent inhibition of muscle growth due to epidermic inflexibility!
  • Prevent breakdown of outer organic body covering!
  • Maintain positive tactile receptivity from domestic partner(s)!
You'll find it in a hardware store or gun shop near you, but I'll tell you where you won't find it: in the goddamn feminine bathroom soap products aisle, that's where.


So there it is.  Someone make this happen.  But remember: it was MY idea.  You owe me at least half the profits.  I have witnesses.