Tuesday, March 1, 2016

An Interview With Ben Stiller

As you may have noticed, I've largely been neglecting this elephant in favor of my slightly more serious one. However, I recently noticed I've been getting a lot of hits from yandex.ru, so for the glory of Mother Russia I carry on.

Not only am I back, but I'm back in a big way. I've managed to secure an exclusive one-on-one interview with none other than Ben Stiller, who you may have seen in a bunch of movies.

This freakin' guy.

Me: Good afternoon, Ben. Thank you for being here today.

Ben Stiller: No problem, thanks for having me!

Me: So you've got a new movie coming out soon, Zoolander 2.

BS: Um... Actually it came out a couple of weeks ago. That's why I had time to be here, ha ha!

Me: Mm hmm. So Ben, you're a fucking idiot, huh?

BS: [pause, nervous laughter] Ah, yeah... My character in the movie is definitely not the brightest, that's for sure.

Me: Don't be coy. I meant you and you know it.

BS: Umm....

Me: Let me tell you a little story, Ben.

BS: Ok...

Me: About 15 years ago, I saw Zoolander. At the time, I was an easily amused teenager and liked pretty much every comedy I saw.

BS: So you---

Me: But even a young, impressionable, easily amused me thought Zoolander was completely idiotic. Probably the worst movie ever.

BS: Oh.

Me: So now--15 years later--after what little relevance it may have ever possessed has completely expired--you made a sequel to the worst movie ever? Are you really that desperate? Did Night at the Museum 7 get canceled or something? What the hell were you thinking?

BS: Well.. um... There are a lot of people who... There was a real big push on the Internet to get a sequel made, and--

Me: Ben, if you put up a Kickstarter trying to raise funds to murder a thousand kittens, flay them, and sew their remnants into a statue of Mussolini you'd probably get more than a few takers.
The Internet is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE place.
If I had to name the five most terrible, soulless places in the world, the Internet would be all six of them.

BS: That doesn't--

Me: So don't give me that crap.

BS: [lip quivering]

Me: This movie was a shit idea and you know it.

BS: [sobbing] I know! Okay? I know! All I know how to do is play idiots! It's not what I want, It's just me. [sniffle] I've tried to do serious movies! I mean, it worked for Steve Carell, so why not me?

Me: Aw, Ben. Come on. Steve Carell's better than you.

BS: [sobbing continues] Of course he is! But even Will Farrell managed to do a decent movie where he didn't play a total moron!

Me: Ah, you mean Stranger Than Fiction.

BS: [sniffle] Mm hmm. 

Me: Yes, that movie is a shining star on a résumé that's otherwise smeared with feces. Probably would have been better with someone other than him, but still good.
Speaking of Will, he's in this new movie too, right?

BS: [nodding, blowing nose]

Me: Do you guys ever talk outside of work?

BS: We hang out sometimes, yeah.

Me: Tell him he sucks. He's probably the second worst human being on this planet. You're the worst, of course.

BS: [silence, blowing of nose, followed by more self-conscious silence]

Me: [silence]

BS: [sniffle] Can I leave now? 

Me: I don't care what you do, Ben. [He gets up to leave] No one does.