Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What Girls Want and How Vanilla Ice Rocks a Mic: The Bold Claims of Popular Musicians

Through the years, popular musicians have made some pretty brash statements.  Some--like the Beatles' "I am the walrus"--are easily dismissed.  None of the Beatles were walruses.

Others like Billy Currington's claim that he's "pretty good at drinkin' beer" seem quite believable.  However, there are many that occupy the middle ground between obvious fact and obvious fiction.  Today we'll explore some musicians and their bold claims, deciding once and for all whether or not they're true.



Statement:
"I rock a mic like a vandal."

"Artist"/Song:
Vanilla Ice/Ice Ice Baby

Pertinent Info: 
Thought most lyric resources use a lowercase V, it seems more likely that Mr. Ice intended it to be interpreted as "Vandal", not "vandal."  The Vandals were a group of people best known for sacking Rome around the year 455 and stealing large amounts of women and valuables.  Vanilla Ice was best known for sacking Queen's "Under Pressure" around the year 1990 and stealing its music, gaining in the process large amounts of women and valuables.

And stylish haircuts.
The Verdict: 
Mr. Ice is right on with this one.  If the Vandals were still around and took to rocking mics, they'd do it like Ice.



Statement:
"[I'd] steal the sun from the sky for you."

"Artist"/Song:
Bon Jovi/I'll Be There For You

Pertinent Info: 
It's an indisputable fact that Jon Bon Jovi has never done anything worthwhile.

His rendition of "Swan Lake" sucked.
Bearing that in mind, it's already rather implausible that he'd do something so difficult as stealing the sun, but for the sake of argument we've compiled some more scientific evidence for you.
The sun is (contrary to popular belief) not just a shiny ball that hangs around way up high and can be grabbed and stuffed into one's pocket given an appropriately tall ladder.  For starters, it's about 1.496×10^8 km from the Earth (get a bigger ladder, Jon).  Furthermore, it's a giant ball of burning gas.  Its surface temperature is around 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit.  Even if Mr. Bon Jovi were to travel to the Sun with intentions of stealing it he'd be burned to death before he got there, which regrettably has yet to happen.

The Verdict:
Impossible.  Besides, stealing is illegal.  Shame on you, JBJ.



Statement:
"Girls just want to have fun."

"Artist"/Song:
Cyndi Lauper/Girls Just Want to Have Fun

Pertinent Info:
It seems at first that Ms. Lauper is trying to do the men of the world a huge favor by explaining what women want.

Not this.
However, we're being scientific here, so rather than take her word for it, we conducted some research.  We interviewed some women and asked them what they really want.  Though a few did say "to have fun," the answers ranged from "I'm thirty five and I'm still not married! Is that too much to ask? [hysterical sobbing]" to "It'd be nice if you'd leave the goddamn toilet seat down for once" to the more popular "Not you, that's for sure!"
After extensively studying the survey results, we concluded that the things women want are:
* Babies
* Attention
* Money (or shiny things that cost money)
* Marriage

The Verdict: 
This one's false.  Check the list.  Fun isn't on there.  Unless, of course, you call marriage "fun."
This guy doesn't.


Statement:
"You can't touch this."

"Artist"/Song:
MC Hammer/U Can't Touch This

Pertinent Info: 
The first thing we need to determine is what Mr. Hammer means by "this."  The song addresses this issue by saying "this is a beat you can't touch."  One could argue that Hammer simply spelled "beet" wrong and wants everyone to leave his vegetables the hell alone, but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and go with "beat."  "Beat" is defined as "a stroke, blow, throb, or pulsation."  While being told that we can't touch Hammer's throb or pulsation is just fine with us, we must realize that literally speaking those are abstract nouns not concrete objects and thus cannot be physically touched.

The Verdict: 
He's right.  We can't touch it.

Nor do we want to.



Statement:
"Bitches ain't shit but hos and tricks."

"Artist"/Song:
Dr. Dre (and a bunch of other people)/Bitches Ain't Shit

Pertinent Info:  
We don't have a very extensive rap music vocabulary here but it would seem that despite the glaringly obvious spelling errors found in this song's lyrics, Dr. Dre is implying that women are primarily composed of garden tools and breakfast cereals.

Women.
In supplement to what we learned when researching for the Cyndi Lauper song, we decided to contact a few doctors on the subject of women.  After lengthy interviews we discovered that physiologically, women contain many of the same substances as men: blood, ligaments, bones, etc.  They also contain other mysterious ingredients such as "ovaries" and "feelings" (whatever those are). It should be noted that we contacted actual medical doctors with actual degrees.  Conversely, Dr. Dre was unable to provide us with proof that he has in fact received a doctorate degree from an institute of higher learning.

"Imakill U isn't a real school?  Damn!"
The Verdict: 
Not even close.   While women do occasionally contain Trix (via eating them), it's not a major part of their bodily composition.  Neither have they been known to contain hoes, rakes, or similar tools.  For someone who fancies himself a doctor, Mr. Dre has a lot to learn about human biology.



Statement:
"I'm a cowboy."

"Artist"/Song:
Bon Jovi/Wanted Dead or Alive

Pertinent Info: 
No.  You're not.

The Verdict: 
I hate you.

Die.

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