The Dark Side

It started with Myspace.  I had to get on there because if you had a band to promote, that was (at the time) the way to go.  You HAD to be on Myspace.  I had always sworn that I wouldn't get on there because I wasn't (and still am not) a fourteen year old girl, but I did it anyway.  But I sure as hell wasn't getting on Facebook.  Bugger that nonsense.
Then everyone left Myspace.
Ok.  Fine.  Damn it all.  I'll get on Facebook.  Just what I needed; a social networking site where every stupid thing I post while drunk at 2am shows up on my mother's computer screen the next morning.  Sweet.  Just cross me off of your will now, Mom.  You too, Uncle Ned.  Tell you what though, this new "Twitter" thing is just stupid.  Completely retarded.  It does WAY less than Facebook, Myspace, and for that matter my toaster.  No.  Not doing it.
Then absolutely EVERYONE decided they needed to be on Twitter.  Great.   I hereby diagnose the entire planet with ADD.  There's no other logical reason for everyone to fall in love with a site that only lets you post a sentence at a time.
So I guess I've got to get on Twitter now.
Fine.  You can follow me on Twitter at @NLY_elephant.  I've gone to the dark side.  The web address is https://twitter.com/#!/NLY_elephant for those of you who haven't yet sold your eSouls and want to. 
I will be using this to notify you of updates/new posts (since you can't be bothered to follow using that Google thinger over on the right which I'm told is lousy anyway) and to post bits of humor that are too short to be worthy of an entire elephant post. 
This is all everyone's fault but mine, just so we're clear. 

Another Reason to Hate Text Messages (as if we didn't have enough)

Updates should be coming more frequently soon.  The Internet has informed me that I may have it in my home again after its long absence.

For those who were unaware, rather than typing http://nobodylovesyouandicanproveit.blogspot.com into your browser and getting carpal tunnel syndrome, you may simply go to www.nobodylovesyou.info, which will forward you here.  This is easier to remember when you're telling everyone you know about it, which you should since I'm way funnier (and more inclined to update) when more people are paying attention, probably.

Anyway...

Due to my recent lack of Internet I've been forced to communicate with human beings via other means, such as phone calls, text messages, and [shudder] actual conversations.  This has led to more than a few altercations with my phone.  I have a dumb phone.  This is because I don't want a "smart phone" because I hate technology.  In fact, if I could get by without having a phone I'd get rid of mine but it's damned hard to order pizza and call in phony police reports without one.  Therefore, my old-ass phone with its T9 text messaging occasionally forces me to spell out--letter by letter--the myriad words it is inexplicably missing from its dictionary.  
I have found that the following words are not in my phone's dictionary.  Do not ask why I have needed to use these words in text messages; suffice to say that it's very important.

hippopotamus
aardvark
sluts
felafel
walrus
bastard
assfucking
hipster
pterodactyl
mistletoe
Uranus
erogenous
lefty

However, the word "undulating" is in there.  Thank god for that.

Let's get this elephant on the road.

Myspace has died and getting on Facebook for more than five seconds makes me feel like a Muslim with a mouthful of pork around noon in the middle of Ramadan, so I hereby proclaim this to be my official word depository.  Pardon the mess, I'm still learning how to use this stupid thing.


Anyway, for your amusement, here's the Very Bright Thing I Did for today:

Step 1: Attempt to squirt shaving cream into hand.
Step 2: Completely miss hand.  Squirt shaving cream all over wall.
Step 3: Attempt to clean up mess with toilet paper.  Fail miserably.
Step 4: Use hand to clean up remaining mess.  For some reason, don't wash shaving cream off of hand.
Step 5: Become annoyed with hair hanging in face.  Brush freshly washed hair aside with shaving cream-covered hand.
Step 6: Hair is now full of shaving cream.  Stupid successfully achieved.