An Interview With Ben Stiller

As you may have noticed, I've largely been neglecting this elephant in favor of my slightly more serious one. However, I recently noticed I've been getting a lot of hits from yandex.ru, so for the glory of Mother Russia I carry on.

Not only am I back, but I'm back in a big way. I've managed to secure an exclusive one-on-one interview with none other than Ben Stiller, who you may have seen in a bunch of movies.

This freakin' guy.

Me: Good afternoon, Ben. Thank you for being here today.

Ben Stiller: No problem, thanks for having me!

Me: So you've got a new movie coming out soon, Zoolander 2.

BS: Um... Actually it came out a couple of weeks ago. That's why I had time to be here, ha ha!

Me: Mm hmm. So Ben, you're a fucking idiot, huh?

BS: [pause, nervous laughter] Ah, yeah... My character in the movie is definitely not the brightest, that's for sure.

Me: Don't be coy. I meant you and you know it.

BS: Umm....

Me: Let me tell you a little story, Ben.

BS: Ok...

Me: About 15 years ago, I saw Zoolander. At the time, I was an easily amused teenager and liked pretty much every comedy I saw.

BS: So you---

Me: But even a young, impressionable, easily amused me thought Zoolander was completely idiotic. Probably the worst movie ever.

BS: Oh.

Me: So now--15 years later--after what little relevance it may have ever possessed has completely expired--you made a sequel to the worst movie ever? Are you really that desperate? Did Night at the Museum 7 get canceled or something? What the hell were you thinking?

BS: Well.. um... There are a lot of people who... There was a real big push on the Internet to get a sequel made, and--

Me: Ben, if you put up a Kickstarter trying to raise funds to murder a thousand kittens, flay them, and sew their remnants into a statue of Mussolini you'd probably get more than a few takers.
The Internet is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE place.
If I had to name the five most terrible, soulless places in the world, the Internet would be all six of them.

BS: That doesn't--

Me: So don't give me that crap.

BS: [lip quivering]

Me: This movie was a shit idea and you know it.

BS: [sobbing] I know! Okay? I know! All I know how to do is play idiots! It's not what I want, It's just me. [sniffle] I've tried to do serious movies! I mean, it worked for Steve Carell, so why not me?

Me: Aw, Ben. Come on. Steve Carell's better than you.

BS: [sobbing continues] Of course he is! But even Will Farrell managed to do a decent movie where he didn't play a total moron!

Me: Ah, you mean Stranger Than Fiction.

BS: [sniffle] Mm hmm. 

Me: Yes, that movie is a shining star on a résumé that's otherwise smeared with feces. Probably would have been better with someone other than him, but still good.
Speaking of Will, he's in this new movie too, right?

BS: [nodding, blowing nose]

Me: Do you guys ever talk outside of work?

BS: We hang out sometimes, yeah.

Me: Tell him he sucks. He's probably the second worst human being on this planet. You're the worst, of course.

BS: [silence, blowing of nose, followed by more self-conscious silence]

Me: [silence]

BS: [sniffle] Can I leave now? 

Me: I don't care what you do, Ben. [He gets up to leave] No one does.

Royals Players Upset at Having to Cancel Vacations

The Kansas City Royals will be facing the Baltimore Orioles in the ALCS this year, marking their first appearance in the playoffs since 1985. Though a happy occasion for the fans, this has led some players to complain about an unwanted side effect.

"My wife and I were going to Hawaii," lamented pitcher James Shields. "I'm supposed to be there right now."

James Shields and his wife not vacationing in Hawaii

"Yeah, me too," added outfielder Alex Gordon. "We booked a flight for October 5th. I figured no way would we still be in the playoffs now."

Other Royals players echoed Gordon's sentiments, saying that even though they had acknowledged the possibility of Kansas City making it to the one-game wild card playoff, the likelihood of advancing further was almost nonexistent.

Catcher Salvador Perez seemed to take it even harder than most:
"This is bullshit. My plane tickets to Cancun are non-refundable. Non-refundable. None of us saw this coming," he told reporters yesterday. "I mean, last time this team was in the playoffs I wasn't even born."

"I didn't even know we were allowed in the playoffs," Eric Hosmer [1B] chimed in.

DH Billy Butler reportedly complained to journalists that he hadn't planned a trip, but had really been looking forward to watching the LCS from home.

"I was gonna make nachos, too!"

Though bemoaning their missed vacation time, players are taking solace in the knowledge that at least they'll finally get some time off after getting swept by Baltimore.

Why I Like Colder Weather

It's quite simple, really.

Humour No One Will Understand Vol II

Humour No One Will Understand Vol I

"Alot" borrowed (without permission of course) from Allie Brosh @ hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

Consumer Warning! DO NOT USE EXFOLIANTS!

If you've bought any skin care products recently, you may have noticed that many contain chemicals called "exfoliants." Manufacturers claim that these chemicals open pores and clean skin.
THIS IS NOT TRUE.
In the Vietnam War, the U.S. military used DEFOLIANTS to cause the leaves of trees to fall off.
If you look at the etymology of the word "defoliant," you have the prefix de- meaning a negation or removal, and -foliant from foliage, meaning leaves or greenery.
Similarly in "exfoliant," you have the prefix ex- meaning "out of," and -foliant as mentioned before. This means that using these products will cause LEAVES to GROW OUT OF YOUR SKIN!
Below is a picture of Attila Csihar (vocalist of the band Mayhem) who, after fighting a losing battle with exfoliants, is now a tree.

Manufacturers don't want you to know about this horrible reality because ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS MONEY and not the well-being of their customers.
Please pass this information on to your friends and maybe we can help get these destructive products taken off the shelves!

What Meat Loaf Wouldn't Do For Love: The Bold Claims of Popular Musicians (Part 3)

Twice before (exhibit A, exhibit B), we have brought closure to the great mysteries surrounding many popular song lyrics.  Today, we're back for exhibit C.

No!  Not like that!

Finding from our second foray that interviews are a little more personal and conclusive, we've decided to continue in that format.

---

Statement:

    "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."

"Artist" / Song
    Meat Loaf / I Would Do Anything For Love

"I can't believe they used my song for that damned M&Ms commercial!"

Information:
    I have to believe it's something like toe sucking or pee.  Meat Loaf seems pretty kinky, but everyone's gotta draw the line somewhere.  Or maybe going vegan is his one no-no.

I SAID NO VEGGIES!

The interview:
  
    Meat Loaf: Hello?
    Me:  Hello, Mr. Loaf?
    Meat:  [laughs] Oh, you don't have to call me that!
    Me:  Oh, right. YOUR NAME IS ROBERT PAULSEN.
    Meat:  [sigh]
    Me:  Moving right along. So, in that song "I Would Do Anything For Love," you say you'd do anything for love but you won't do that. What do you mean by "that?"
    Meat:  Bondage.
    Me:  Bondage?
    Meat:  Yep. Bondage. Won't do it.
    Me:  Really. Wow. I mean, I've heard a lot of people are willing to do a little bondage here and there... I was expecting something a little more... serious.
    Meat:  Nope. That's it. Some of the things I've done for love... well, you don't wanna know.
    Me:  But no bondage.
    Meat:  Nope. Right out.
    Me:  Okay then. Well, thank you.
    Meat:  No problem. Wait... so... who did you say you were again? And for that matter, who gave you my phone number?
    Me:  Ssssshhh. First rule of Project Mayhem, Bob. [click]

The Verdict:
    Bondage.  Who would have known?

---

Statement:
    "I kissed a girl and I liked it."

"Artist" / Song:
    Katy Perry / I Kissed a Girl

Katy Perry: Kissing girls and looking confused since  2008

Information:
    We tried to figure this one out in our last installment, but were unsuccessful.  But we're nothing if not tenacious, so let's have another go.

The interview:
    Katy Perry’s PR Rep:  Hello, [name of PR agency], [this chick’s name] speaking. How may I help you?
    Me:  May I speak to Katy Perry, please?
    PR Rep:  This is her talent agency, would you like to set up an interview?
    Me:  Absolutely.
    PR Rep:  All right, and who are you with?
    Me:  Jesus, do you ask everyone that or does my voice just get you all hot and bothered?
    PR Rep:  I... Excuse me?
    Me:  Because if some attention's what you need I could be there in half an hour wearing nothing but a smile.
    PR Rep:  Um.
    Me:  And some clothes. My lawyer has advised me not to leave my residence without first putting on some clothes.
    PR Rep:  Ok, I--
    Me:  So I guess I won't be smiling after all because damn do I hate wearing pants, you feel me? You know, maybe we should just call the whole thing off.

At this point she hung up on me. Fortunately I had cloned Liam Neeson's phone a few days ago for just this sort of situation and used his number to call her back.

    PR Rep:  Hello, [name of PR agency], [this chick’s name] speaking. How may I help you?
    Me:  I meant call off our little liason, not the interview. Sorry. I guess I was unclear.
    PR Rep:  Okay, I'm--
    Me: Hangonhangonhangon! Donthanguponmeplease!
    PR Rep  [angrily, after a long pause]:  What?
    Me:  I just want to know--did Katy Perry in fact kiss a girl and if so did she in fact like it?
    PR Rep:  [silence]
    Me:  I'm serious.
    PR Rep:  [sigh] Sure. She totally kissed a girl. It was great. She liked it. Loved it in fact. Are you happy now? [pause] Hello?
    Me:  How do you know?
    PR Rep:  [silence]
    Me: It was YOU, wasn't it?
    PR Rep:  I... Um.
    Me:  Oh, thats hot. I'll be there in thirty minutes. [click]

The verdict:
    CAAAAAAAN YOOU FEEEEL THE LOOOOOOVE TONIIIIIIIGHT

---

Statement:
    "And if you complain once more, you'll meet an army of me."

"Artist" / Song
    Bjork / Army of Me

Look into my eyes, hated enemy!

Information:
    Well, let's not beat around the bush. I complain a lot. Here's the important question--is Bjork raising an army?

The interview:
    Bjork:  Yeh?
    Me:  Um. Hello. Ms. Bjork?
    B:  Yeh?
    Me:  Hi. Um. Just wondering... I ah... sorry about all the complaining and all... I... um... are you building an army of yourself?
    B:  Kannski sjúga á tærnar smá stund?
    Me:  Oh my. Uh, I mean, the thought of a few thousand of you rampaging across the unsullied virgin landscapes of my precious homeland, I... [gulp]
    B:  Ég myndi mjög mikið njóta að sjá falleg sólsetur frá blóm graslendi Knolls sem fjalla um landslag fallegt jörðinni okkar!
    Me:  OH GOD SAVE US!!!!!!!!!!

The verdict:
    HER NAME IS LEGION FOR SHE IS MANY!  REPENT, FOR THE END IS NIGH!

A Modern Guide to Political Correctness

Long ago, people pretty much called things as they saw them.  The Native Americans had reddish-tinted skin, so the first visitors to the Americas called them "redskins."

We all know that times have changed.  It's no longer okay to use the antiquated pejoratives of our forefathers, and many professions have had their names changed as well to avoid seeming demeaning to those who practice them. 

Stewardesses are now called "flight attendants."  Secretaries are now "office assistants."  Trash men are "waste management engineers," and nurses are called... um... Actually I think it's still OK to call them nurses, isn't it?

...and they still dress like this, right?

To help you cope with the changing times and customs, we've compiled a list of common professions and hobbies that are often referred to by their antiquated, non-politically-correct names.  We have also provided for you the more proper modern equivalent.  We hope this guide will help you in your everyday dealings with the various peoples of the world.

The Hot Mess Burger - A Culinary Review

Today we'll be showing off our diversity by becoming a food critic.  Our first item up for review is Jack in the Box's Hot Mess Burger, as seen below in all its splendor...

...or not.

Reality sucks.

For those of you unfamiliar with this food item, it's a new burger from that antenna topper/restauranteur Jack, who is known for being "in the box."  The target market for this item is clearly anyone with a discerning palate and a love for more cerebral pursuits, as evidenced by the commercial's main appeal being "it almost has boobs in it."

You'll see this face in your nightmares.

First of all, let's be honest with ourselves.  This is a fast food burger, not steak and lobster.  No point going all food-snob on you and talking about its "flavor profiles" and similar crap.  Instead, I'm going to rate this burger on how well it lives up to its name.  Each attribute will receive a rating of 1 - 5, with 5 being "perfect" and 1 being "bugger this nonsense, I'll just eat some tree bark instead."

1. Hot

Holy Jesus Christ was this thing hot.  Hot as in temperature, that is.  I almost died.  I mean, it seems somewhat stupid to complain about food being too hot (would you rather have it cold?  No.), but there's "hot" hot and there's "Satan's nasal cavities" hot.  After one bite I could feel my face melting off.

I took this picture of myself with my iPhone!

Additionally, one might very logically assume that when a burger comes with jalapeños and pepper jack cheese the word "hot" is to be taken as "spicy."
Spicy this burger is not.  The jalapeños were uncomfortably mild, not to mention light on flavor.  I think they might have been made of wood.  Chewy wood though... at least there's that.  The pepper jack cheese tasted fine but was far from spicy.

Rating: 3/5

As the blisters that now cover the inside of my mouth can attest, this sandwich was hot as all goddamned arseraping hell.  However, I'm deducting two points for the deception as to which version of "hot" I was getting.

2. Mess

They knocked it out of the park on this one.  Onion rings are sloppy as is because the onion always pulls out of the breading, hanging out of one's mouth like the tail of some smelly little rodent, and the cheese was absolutely everywhere.  I'm fairly certain it started out semisolid but once entered into the inferno created by (presumably) the meat, it flowed all over the place.  Also I think there might have been mayonnaise in there.
You know there's a major level of trust between customer and restaurant when they hand you a burger with white mystery glop all over and you eat it without questioning anything.  They could have put anything in there.  Be very polite to the employees when ordering one of these.

Rating: 5/5

You want a mess?  You got it.

Seriously, just look at it.

3. Burger

Rating: 5/5

It is in fact a burger. 

Overall

Rating: 4.33

Brutal honesty on the part of Jack in the Box.  This is a hot, messy burger.  Still wish it was spicier.  Whatever. 

Hand Lotion Just Got Manly!

Winter.  The time of year where Nature flips you the bird and dries your skin into a horrible, dessicated mess until you're forced to do that sad, unmanly thing that we all dread: applying hand lotion.  Your skin's so miserably cracked and dried that as soon as you smear some on, you realize it's not just your hands; it's all of you.  So what started with a little on your hands turns into your forearms, elbows, and so on until you're standing naked in the bathroom covered head to toe in greasy, smelly, girly hand lotion unable to move or touch anything for fear of getting slime all over it.  You're a slug.
But that's not the worst part.  The worst part is reaching for that bottle and thinking to yourself, "GAY."
I bet Rambo never used hand lotion.
When the Vikings rampaged across Scandinavia, pillaging and burning everything in their wake, did they stop to smear on a little hand lotion?
NO.
Why not?  Because it's girly.  Or at least it WAS.  Until now.

Introducing Mr. Beefy's Skin Sealant!
This manly bottle of brute force will help to:

• Maintain skin's tensile strength!
• Reduce unwanted loss of blood-fluid!
• Prevent inhibition of muscle growth due to epidermic inflexibility!
• Prevent breakdown of outer organic body covering!
• Maintain positive tactile receptivity from domestic partner(s)!

You'll find it in a hardware store or gun shop near you, but I'll tell you where you won't find it: in the goddamn feminine bathroom soap products aisle, that's where.


So there it is.  Someone make this happen.  But remember: it was MY idea.  You owe me at least half the profits.  I have witnesses.

Horgh For President!

This Tuesday, November 6th, we will go to the polls to vote for the President of this fine country.
We will select a leader to carry us through the next four years; to bring prosperity to a struggling economy.
We will elect a man that can shoulder the burden of making this nation great once again.
The man for this job is none other than Reidar Horghagen.

Horgh has fought the venomous plague of Christianity for years, and once elected will ensure that only the Dark Lords are served by our country's denizens.


Horgh will fight for truth, justice, and really cool armbands.

Once this great pillar of achievement known as HORGH is elected into the office of President of the United States, he will begin the extermination process to rid our country of the pathetic human filth that has dragged it into the economic gutters.

Truth.  Justice.  Prosperity.  Blast beats.  Progress.  Corpse paint.  Horgh believes in these things, and WE BELIEVE IN HORGH!

Damn right I'm reusing this.

A vote for Horgh is a vote for a better America.  Barack Obama may be our first black president, but it's time to vote in our first BLACK METAL president!  Vote Horgh in 2012!

This ad paid for by Citizens for Brutality in Government.

Vince Wilfork Eats Ray Rice

Following Sunday's 31-30 loss to the Baltimore Ravens, New England Patriots defensive lineman Vince Wilfork was seen on the sidelines eating Ravens running back Ray Rice.
 Wilfork--known as a solid defender, excellent run stopper, and the fattest goddamned person ever to be seen on a football field ever in the history of everything--reportedly devoured Rice in only two bites, only pausing briefly to spit out his helmet.
When asked to explain his actions, Vince casually replied, "When you see somethin' that says 'Cheetos' on it, you don't stop to check if it's really got Cheetos in it.  You just eat it.  Sometimes the bag, too.  So I see somethin' that says 'Rice' on it and I'm like, 'Yeah, I could go for some rice right now.'  Turns out it was a guy instead.  [shrugs]  Hey, nobody's perfect."
Wilfork's girth has caused him issues before, often making him the butt (pun absolutely intended) of numerous jokes.

It's almost too easy.

He has been reprimanded in the past for similar incidents, having hastily devoured such contraband as 46 NFL regulation size footballs, 11 tackling dummies, former teammate Ty Law, and Bill Belichick's 1995 Chevrolet Cavalier.  It is unknown whether Vince will be disciplined for this recent conspicuous consumption.

Wilfork daydreaming about Pop Tarts and chocolate cake

In response to a reporter's question about whether Wilfork regretted the Ray Rice incident, Vince shrugged and replied, "Nah, I mean, he was ok I guess.  A little bland, though.  I mean, there was some [Patriots linebacker Jerod] Mayo there and all but what I really could've gone for was some soy sauce.  Yeeeeaaaah."
Wilfork then licked his lips, stomach rumbling as reporters fled in terror.

"Papyrus" Font is Hereby Banned

I just wanted to let everyone know that if I catch anyone using...

...for your business logo, band logo, printing on the back of your book, movie subtitles (looking at you, James Cameron), heading for your website, or pretty much ANYTHING AT ALL I will probably stick spoons in your eyes. 
This has become the most ridiculously overused font in the world of late.  The most recent and infuriating example I've noticed is that Edible Arrangements uses it in their logo. EDIBLE FREAKING ARRANGEMENTS, a business whose continued existence completely defies all logic and common sense.  That association in itself should be enough to shame you into not using it.

Please.

I'm begging you.

Stop.

Rhythmic Gymnastics: My New Favorite Sport

As those of you not living in refrigerator boxes in dark alleys are probably aware, the Summer Olympics have been going on of late.  We've all seen the standard Olympic events (various track events, swimming, boat races, cattle mutilation, etc.) but the best part about the all-day Olympic TV coverage is you get to discover new sports.

Today, I'd like to talk about rhythmic gymnastics. 

"What are rhythmic gymnastics?" you ask, because you like asking stupid questions, the answers to which you were obviously going to get if you could have just waited a second or two.

Rhythmic gymnastics aren't gymnastics in the traditional sense, with all the vaulting and backflipping and whatever the hell it is those crazy Chinese dudes are doing.  The participant dances around with a ball, hula hoop, or ribbon.  They throw the aforementioned item around a bit.  They dance some more.  Maybe a somersault or two.
 
Yep.  That's it.  This sport must have been created as a failed attempt to get strippers into the Olympics.  Imagine the awkward childhood moments:
"What do you want to be when you grow up, Timmy?" asks the teacher.
"A fireman!"
"That sounds great!  And you, Sarah?"
"I'm gonna be a veterinarian!"
"Wonderful!  What about you, Olga?"
"I'm gonna dance around a lot and throw a ball in the air and catch it with my thighs."
"Yes... that sounds fun... we all like to play.  But what are you going to do for your career?"
"No, seriously!  Dancing!  With a ball!  Throw it!  Catch it!  Repeat!  I'm a princess!"
"Oh.  Well.  Um... your mother will be proud, I'm sure.  Hopefully there's a McDonald's hiring nearby."

"But wait!" you say.  "This doesn't sound like something you'd enjoy!  The page said it's your new favorite sport!  What's so great about it?"

Well, you see...

The umm... competitive nature of the sport is very...

You can easily appreciate the... rigorous.. ah... technicality of...

That is to say... anyone can enjoy the event's... philosophical...

OH MY GOD THAT'S HOT.  BEST OLYMPIC EVENT EVER!

How Did You Know I Needed Women's Pants?

Usually my spam emails aren't that great.  They try to sell me Viagra--which I don't need (yet)--or convince me to give Prince Mbongwe from Nigeria my bank account information so he can wire me ten million dollars.  They tell me that their name is Kristy and they are naked and want to meet up with me soon.  Sometimes their name is Frank, but they are invariably naked and want to meet up with me soon and are desperately in need of my credit card number.
But not today.
Today, they received my Lorna Jane Style Request (apparently).  I was pleased to find out that I (apparently) am interested in buying some women's pants from their store in Australia.
The email was as follows:

Hi [my name!  how did they know my name?],

Thank you for shopping on lornajane.com.au

Your style request has been received and one of our Lorna Jane Angels will be in touch shortly to help you locate your desired style.

"Beyonce 7/8 Tight (m)"

For faster service or for any additional assistance with your style request please call 1300 LORNA JANE (1300 567 625) to speak to a Lorna Jane Angel now*.

We look forward to helping you Live Active!

Thank you,
The Lorna Jane Team


* The Lorna Jane Angels are available to assist you over the phone during customer service business hours Monday-Friday 9AM-5PM AEST.

I wondered if the Lorna Jane Angels were the ones who were always naked and emailing me or whatever, but I figured what the heck, I'll check out the website.
Oh man.  These are some nice pants.  Only 65 Australian dollars?  I must have them.

 

This is my bum, I guess.

Well, magic Internet spam email machine, for once you got it right.  Yes.  I do in fact want some Beyonce 7/8 Tight (m) ladies' pants... or leggings... or whatever the heck they are.  In fact, I bought some already, and decided to post a picture.  Thanks, Lorna Jane Angels, for helping me Live Active!

I bet Frank really wants my credit card number now.

This Is News?

For all you kids out there thinking about going into the news industry, it seems the competition is... well... less than fierce.  The following are all actual recent TV news headlines.  I wish I was making these up.

"Thieves steal disabled man's fishing gear"
Stealing fishing gear is pretty pathetic.  Worse yet is stealing it from a cripple.  Worst of all is the fact that someone felt this was newsworthy enough to make it the featured story.

"Police test gun used in school shooting"
Why?  Obviously it worked.

"Study finds unsafe sex linked to heavy drinking"
Really?  I usually make great decisions when I'm wasted.  Good to know the scientific community is making good use of my tax dollars.

"Delivery men get reckless with packages"
The funny thing about this one is I used to be in a Chippendale group called "Delivery Men."  We were always pretty reckless with our packages, if you know what I mean.

"Suspect accused of horrific crime violated probation"
Weird.  When I was on probation I was told committing horrific crimes was ok.

"Crocodile steals lawnmower, holds it hostage"
Wait.  What?  Let me read that again.  Crocodile steals... wow.  What were his demands?  A toothbrush?  Steve Irwin's ashes?

"Dead dog gets loads of junk mail"
Call me when he wins the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes.

"Reality TV star shoots man taking nap"
Cruelty!  At least have the decency to wait until he wakes up.

"Homeless people used as Wi-Fi hotspots"
This idea was taken from the Chernobyl area where local bums were used as street lamps.

"Man Sues BMW Claiming Motorcycle Ride Gave Him Painful Two-Year Erection"
The bike was THAT GOOD.

What the Hell Are They Saying? (Volume 1)

I made you a video. You're welcome.

If you prefer, you may view it on the YouTube page (and in higher resolution).

LL Cool J Is Going To Knock Me Out: The Bold Claims of Popular Musicians (Part 2)

In the first installment of this series, we saw the lyrical claims of popular musicians confirmed as either fact or fiction through extensive research and data collection*.  This time, we decided to get the answers straight from the horse’s mouth.

Hours later we were tired, frustrated, and covered in horse bites.  Worse yet, the horse had failed to answer any of our questions.  So, we decided to interview the artists themselves to find out whether their lyrics are for real or they’re just blowing smoke. 

Not like that, damn it!

---

Statement: 
“I kissed a girl and I liked it.”

“Artist” / Song:
Katy Perry / I Kissed a Girl

 I have experienced physical intimacy with a same-sex partner and found it enjoyable.

The Interview:

            Katy Perry’s PR Rep: Hello, [name of PR agency]**, [this chick’s name]** speaking.  How may I help you?

            Me: Can I speak to Katy, please?

            PR Rep:  I’m sorry?

            Me: Katy.  Ms. Perry.  Ms. Katy Perry.  May I speak to her, please?

            PR Rep: [slightly confused] Oh.  She’s not… physically present here.  Would you like to set up an interview? 

            Me: Yes. 

            PR Rep: All right, and who are you with?

            Me: Actually, I’m single at the moment; thanks for asking.  You sound like you could use some lovin’, though; what are you wearing right now? 

            PR Rep: [audibly irritated] I meant ‘which publication are you with?’

            Me: Oh.  Right.  It’s… well, I operate a small humor elephant on the Internet.  The Internet.  You know, the best of all the Internets.

            PR Rep:  I’m sorry, you said an elephant?

            Me:  Ugh.  Ok, it’s a blog.  God, I hate that word.  I don’t like the word blog so I call it an elephant.  Elephants are better than blogs.

            PR Rep: [long pause] That’s stupid.

            Me: You’re stupid.

            [silence]

            Me: Hello?

            PR Rep: I’m going to hang up now.

            Me: Fair enough.

            [click]

The Verdict:

            Unconfirmed.

---

Statement:
 “I’m gonna knock you out.  Mama said knock you out.”

“Artist” / Song:
LL Cool J / I’m Gonna Knock You Out

I am going to strike you with sufficient force to render you unconscious.  My mother instructed me to do so.

The Interview:

            [note: We couldn’t reach LL Cool J for this interview, so we instead called his mother.]

            LL Cool J’s mama: Hello?

            Me: Hello, Mrs. Cool J?

            Mama: What?

            Me: Is this Mrs. Cool J?

            Mama: Wha-- Oh.  Ha ha!  Oh, I get it.  Yeah, this is me.  Who this?

            Me: I think you know.  Let’s cut to the chase.  Did you tell LL to knock me out?

            Mama: Huh?

            Me: For safety’s sake, I’m taking it as a given that he does in fact intend to knock me out, and I’ve lived every day of my life in fear of it since hearing that song.  What I want to know is did you put him up to it?

            Mama:  [pause] I got no idea what you’re talkin’ bout.

            Me: Your son, LL Cool J, intends to knock me out.  He says you told him to do it.  Why?  Why me?

            Mama: Oh!  Ha ha, you mean that song.  Heh.  Oh wow, that’s old school right there.

            Me: Did you or did you not instruct your son to physically assault me? 

            Mama:  What the--I ain’t never told him to beat nobody up, you crazy motha--

            Me: Thank you.

            [click]

The Verdict:

            False, not that it’ll ease the pain when it finally happens.

You dead, sucka!

---

Statement:
 “I’m afraid of Americans.”

“Artist” / Song: 
David Bowie / I’m afraid of Americans

Persons originating from the United States of America instill in me a sense of dread.

The Interview:

            David Bowie: Hello?

            Me: Hi there.  Is this Mr. Bowie?

            DB: Yes, who’s this?

            Me: I’m the lead writer for a small humor elephant based in the Midwest.

            DB: Ah, elephants!  You’re from that zoology site, then, are you?  Wait… the Midwest of what?

            Me: Um… of the United States.

            DB: So you’re…. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHH!

            Me:  Mr. Bowie?  Mr. Bowie, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions?

            DB: [screaming continues]

Me:  Mr. Bowie?  Hello?

DB: [screaming continues]

Me: Mr. Bowie, I was just wondering if you are in fact afraid of Americans.

DB: [screaming continues, accompanied by what sounds like the telephone receiver being bashed repeatedly by a large blunt object]

Me: So… I’ll take that as a yes, then?

DB: [screaming and bashing continues]

Me: Right.

[click]

The Verdict:

            Confirmed.

...and Americans are afraid of this.

---

*Or I made it up.  Whatever.

**You have no idea how much research it took*** to find out the name of the place, much less the phone number.  No way am I going to let you in on my secrets.

***None.

The Dark Side

It started with Myspace.  I had to get on there because if you had a band to promote, that was (at the time) the way to go.  You HAD to be on Myspace.  I had always sworn that I wouldn't get on there because I wasn't (and still am not) a fourteen year old girl, but I did it anyway.  But I sure as hell wasn't getting on Facebook.  Bugger that nonsense.
Then everyone left Myspace.
Ok.  Fine.  Damn it all.  I'll get on Facebook.  Just what I needed; a social networking site where every stupid thing I post while drunk at 2am shows up on my mother's computer screen the next morning.  Sweet.  Just cross me off of your will now, Mom.  You too, Uncle Ned.  Tell you what though, this new "Twitter" thing is just stupid.  Completely retarded.  It does WAY less than Facebook, Myspace, and for that matter my toaster.  No.  Not doing it.
Then absolutely EVERYONE decided they needed to be on Twitter.  Great.   I hereby diagnose the entire planet with ADD.  There's no other logical reason for everyone to fall in love with a site that only lets you post a sentence at a time.
So I guess I've got to get on Twitter now.
Fine.  You can follow me on Twitter at @NLY_elephant.  I've gone to the dark side.  The web address is https://twitter.com/#!/NLY_elephant for those of you who haven't yet sold your eSouls and want to. 
I will be using this to notify you of updates/new posts (since you can't be bothered to follow using that Google thinger over on the right which I'm told is lousy anyway) and to post bits of humor that are too short to be worthy of an entire elephant post. 
This is all everyone's fault but mine, just so we're clear. 

Another Reason to Hate Text Messages (as if we didn't have enough)

Updates should be coming more frequently soon.  The Internet has informed me that I may have it in my home again after its long absence.

For those who were unaware, rather than typing http://nobodylovesyouandicanproveit.blogspot.com into your browser and getting carpal tunnel syndrome, you may simply go to www.nobodylovesyou.info, which will forward you here.  This is easier to remember when you're telling everyone you know about it, which you should since I'm way funnier (and more inclined to update) when more people are paying attention, probably.

Anyway...

Due to my recent lack of Internet I've been forced to communicate with human beings via other means, such as phone calls, text messages, and [shudder] actual conversations.  This has led to more than a few altercations with my phone.  I have a dumb phone.  This is because I don't want a "smart phone" because I hate technology.  In fact, if I could get by without having a phone I'd get rid of mine but it's damned hard to order pizza and call in phony police reports without one.  Therefore, my old-ass phone with its T9 text messaging occasionally forces me to spell out--letter by letter--the myriad words it is inexplicably missing from its dictionary.  
I have found that the following words are not in my phone's dictionary.  Do not ask why I have needed to use these words in text messages; suffice to say that it's very important.

hippopotamus
aardvark
sluts
felafel
walrus
bastard
assfucking
hipster
pterodactyl
mistletoe
Uranus
erogenous
lefty

However, the word "undulating" is in there.  Thank god for that.