Horgh For President!

This Tuesday, November 6th, we will go to the polls to vote for the President of this fine country.
We will select a leader to carry us through the next four years; to bring prosperity to a struggling economy.
We will elect a man that can shoulder the burden of making this nation great once again.
The man for this job is none other than Reidar Horghagen.

Horgh has fought the venomous plague of Christianity for years, and once elected will ensure that only the Dark Lords are served by our country's denizens.


Horgh will fight for truth, justice, and really cool armbands.

Once this great pillar of achievement known as HORGH is elected into the office of President of the United States, he will begin the extermination process to rid our country of the pathetic human filth that has dragged it into the economic gutters.

Truth.  Justice.  Prosperity.  Blast beats.  Progress.  Corpse paint.  Horgh believes in these things, and WE BELIEVE IN HORGH!

Damn right I'm reusing this.

A vote for Horgh is a vote for a better America.  Barack Obama may be our first black president, but it's time to vote in our first BLACK METAL president!  Vote Horgh in 2012!

This ad paid for by Citizens for Brutality in Government.

Holidays suck. Do something about it.

Holidays suck. Don't try to deny it. They suck. Everyone goes into every holiday thinking “Ok, this is a holiday. That means I'll be happy and have a good time.” But then you aren't and you don't, so you're miserable. Why is this? Are you a sociopath? Are holidays inherently flawed? I think not. More likely, you're just going through the same predetermined motions and antiquated rituals every holiday of every year. So to jazz things up a little, here are a few ways to make your holidays less monotonous and more enjoyable.

1. Celebrate a different holiday.

Are you white? Celebrate Kwanzaa. Jewish? Try Ramadan this year. Southern Baptist? Maybe sing some songs to Ganesha, the Hindu elephant god. American? Call Christmas “Boxing Day” like those crazy Canadians do. And box. You know, with punching.

Better yet, make up a new religious holiday, complete with origin stories and cultural significance. Make up your own deity or just pick someone/something mundane and make it holy.

Last year's Horghmas was a complete success.

2. Change it up a bit.

Instead of giving gifts on Christmas, take stuff from people.

After you've hidden your Easter eggs, instead of finding them, don't find them.

Instead of getting wasted off of Guinness and Jameson on St. Patrick's day... well, never mind. We'll leave that one alone.

Instead of a Christmas tree, have a Christmas bear.

3. Different Time or Location

Christmas is always cold. Independence day is always hot. Easter is always at Uncle Ned's house. Increase your holiday enjoyment by breaking up the temporal and locational monotony.

Celebrate the 4^th of July by shooting off fireworks in September. At 3am. On your neighbor's front lawn.

Instead of hiding your kids' Easter eggs in your backyard, hide them at the local strip club.

Have your Thanksgiving feast in the Gaza Strip.

Just don't ask them to cook the turkey.

4. Celebrate without pants.

[As a service to everyone everywhere, I have elected not to include a picture of myself without pants.]

So there you go. Enjoy your newly awesomized holidays.