The Hot Mess Burger - A Culinary Review

Today we'll be showing off our diversity by becoming a food critic.  Our first item up for review is Jack in the Box's Hot Mess Burger, as seen below in all its splendor...

...or not.

Reality sucks.

For those of you unfamiliar with this food item, it's a new burger from that antenna topper/restauranteur Jack, who is known for being "in the box."  The target market for this item is clearly anyone with a discerning palate and a love for more cerebral pursuits, as evidenced by the commercial's main appeal being "it almost has boobs in it."

You'll see this face in your nightmares.

First of all, let's be honest with ourselves.  This is a fast food burger, not steak and lobster.  No point going all food-snob on you and talking about its "flavor profiles" and similar crap.  Instead, I'm going to rate this burger on how well it lives up to its name.  Each attribute will receive a rating of 1 - 5, with 5 being "perfect" and 1 being "bugger this nonsense, I'll just eat some tree bark instead."

1. Hot

Holy Jesus Christ was this thing hot.  Hot as in temperature, that is.  I almost died.  I mean, it seems somewhat stupid to complain about food being too hot (would you rather have it cold?  No.), but there's "hot" hot and there's "Satan's nasal cavities" hot.  After one bite I could feel my face melting off.

I took this picture of myself with my iPhone!

Additionally, one might very logically assume that when a burger comes with jalapeños and pepper jack cheese the word "hot" is to be taken as "spicy."
Spicy this burger is not.  The jalapeños were uncomfortably mild, not to mention light on flavor.  I think they might have been made of wood.  Chewy wood though... at least there's that.  The pepper jack cheese tasted fine but was far from spicy.

Rating: 3/5

As the blisters that now cover the inside of my mouth can attest, this sandwich was hot as all goddamned arseraping hell.  However, I'm deducting two points for the deception as to which version of "hot" I was getting.

2. Mess

They knocked it out of the park on this one.  Onion rings are sloppy as is because the onion always pulls out of the breading, hanging out of one's mouth like the tail of some smelly little rodent, and the cheese was absolutely everywhere.  I'm fairly certain it started out semisolid but once entered into the inferno created by (presumably) the meat, it flowed all over the place.  Also I think there might have been mayonnaise in there.
You know there's a major level of trust between customer and restaurant when they hand you a burger with white mystery glop all over and you eat it without questioning anything.  They could have put anything in there.  Be very polite to the employees when ordering one of these.

Rating: 5/5

You want a mess?  You got it.

Seriously, just look at it.

3. Burger

Rating: 5/5

It is in fact a burger. 

Overall

Rating: 4.33

Brutal honesty on the part of Jack in the Box.  This is a hot, messy burger.  Still wish it was spicier.  Whatever.