For all you kids out there thinking about going into the news industry, it seems the competition is... well... less than fierce. The following are all actual recent TV news headlines. I wish I was making these up.
"Thieves steal disabled man's fishing gear"
Stealing fishing gear is pretty pathetic. Worse yet is stealing it from a cripple. Worst of all is the fact that someone felt this was newsworthy enough to make it the featured story.
"Police test gun used in school shooting"
Why? Obviously it worked.
"Study finds unsafe sex linked to heavy drinking"
Really? I usually make great decisions when I'm wasted. Good to know the scientific community is making good use of my tax dollars.
"Delivery men get reckless with packages"
The funny thing about this one is I used to be in a Chippendale group called "Delivery Men." We were always pretty reckless with our packages, if you know what I mean.
"Suspect accused of horrific crime violated probation"
Weird. When I was on probation I was told committing horrific crimes was ok.
"Crocodile steals lawnmower, holds it hostage"
Wait. What? Let me read that again. Crocodile steals... wow. What were his demands? A toothbrush? Steve Irwin's ashes?
"Dead dog gets loads of junk mail"
Call me when he wins the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes.
"Reality TV star shoots man taking nap"
Cruelty! At least have the decency to wait until he wakes up.
"Homeless people used as Wi-Fi hotspots"
This idea was taken from the Chernobyl area where local bums were used as street lamps.
"Man Sues BMW Claiming Motorcycle Ride Gave Him Painful Two-Year Erection"
The bike was THAT GOOD.
Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Whoopi Goldberg Soils Herself and There's a Phallus In That Puppet (commercials that make me feel ill)
So let's say you're an actress. You've won an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, and some Golden Globes. You're filthy stinking rich. What kind of commercials do you sign on for? If you're me, the only commercials you run are public service announcements reminding the general populace that you're awesome and they're not and that you've just purchased the country of Honduras for your own personal vacation spot so could everyone living there kindly get the hell out, please?
If you're Whoopi Goldberg, you casually announce that you've been pissing yourself of late.
For those of you who didn't bother watching it, the commercial consists of Whoopi dressed in various outfits discussing her tendency to wet herself. She then tries to brush it off like it's nothing, saying that one in three women have the same issue.
Ok, so about 2/3 of American women are overweight and 1/3 are peeing themselves... I'm no mathematician but statistically speaking, you're all disgusting.
I can't begin to understand why Ms. Goldberg feels it's necessary to tell us about her bladder problems, but it does explain a strange anomaly on one of her old movie posters:
...And continuing in that vein, here's Jamie Lee Curtis reminding us that women need special yogurt to make them poop:
Those of you with weak stomachs probably didn't watch that, so in summary: two sacks of uterine filth are clucking about their holiday dinners and the younger one declares that she's constipated. Her mother gleefully responds that she used to be plugged up too until she started eating the magical dairy Drano that Jamie Lee Curtis is hawking. Is it just me or is Jamie Lee just a little too happy here? Clearly this is not only gross, but a total sham. Everyone knows women don't poop.
Moving along. If this next one doesn't give you nightmares, you're probably Jeffrey Dahmer.
Every now and then, an ad comes along that has even me wondering if maybe living in a Tibetan monastery might be a preferable alternative to viewing any sort of media at all EVER. This is one such ad.
To paraphrase the text on that ad for those of you who are so profoundly stupid as to not understand why this is so horrifying, there's more inside Doug the puppet than you would expect. Apparently what's inside Doug is a flesh-colored object that has to be censored. Yeah. It's a... you know... well... a... umm... how to put this nicely...
The expression on Doug's face just makes it worse. Is he ashamed? Is he angry at the mystery man who (and this is why it's so horrible) must have reached his hand into Doug's body and found... that?
Suffice to say, I did not "click to expand for video."
If you're Whoopi Goldberg, you casually announce that you've been pissing yourself of late.
For those of you who didn't bother watching it, the commercial consists of Whoopi dressed in various outfits discussing her tendency to wet herself. She then tries to brush it off like it's nothing, saying that one in three women have the same issue.
Ok, so about 2/3 of American women are overweight and 1/3 are peeing themselves... I'm no mathematician but statistically speaking, you're all disgusting.
I can't begin to understand why Ms. Goldberg feels it's necessary to tell us about her bladder problems, but it does explain a strange anomaly on one of her old movie posters:
...And continuing in that vein, here's Jamie Lee Curtis reminding us that women need special yogurt to make them poop:
Those of you with weak stomachs probably didn't watch that, so in summary: two sacks of uterine filth are clucking about their holiday dinners and the younger one declares that she's constipated. Her mother gleefully responds that she used to be plugged up too until she started eating the magical dairy Drano that Jamie Lee Curtis is hawking. Is it just me or is Jamie Lee just a little too happy here? Clearly this is not only gross, but a total sham. Everyone knows women don't poop.
Moving along. If this next one doesn't give you nightmares, you're probably Jeffrey Dahmer.
Again, a summary: some unsuspecting bloke wakes up to find that the horrible, horrible Burger King mascot is in bed with him. But it's ok because the King gives him a sandwich. They hang out and share a laugh and everything's great until their hands touch, most likely reminding them of the brutal sodomy inflicted by the King the night before.
This commercial is the king of all horrors. Enough said.
Every now and then, an ad comes along that has even me wondering if maybe living in a Tibetan monastery might be a preferable alternative to viewing any sort of media at all EVER. This is one such ad.
To paraphrase the text on that ad for those of you who are so profoundly stupid as to not understand why this is so horrifying, there's more inside Doug the puppet than you would expect. Apparently what's inside Doug is a flesh-colored object that has to be censored. Yeah. It's a... you know... well... a... umm... how to put this nicely...
 |
| Please don't make me go into more detail. |
Suffice to say, I did not "click to expand for video."
Monday, August 8, 2011
Miller Lite is terrible.
"Oh, look at this! He's having a go at the light beers again!"
Yeah, yeah, I know. As soon as they stop deserving it, I'll stop harping on them.
Have you ever tried Miller Lite? (That's lite, not light, mind you. G's and H's are heavy.)
If you're scowling right now, the answer is probably yes.
"More taste or less taste?" they ask in their stomach-churning commercials, which employ the ever-so-subtle tactic of implying that if you drink a light beer other than theirs you must be a social pariah.
Well, the simple answer to that is "Depends on what the taste is." Let's say you're forced to eat a pile of cow dung. More taste or less taste? For the love of Horgh, less!
Miller Lite has "more taste" in the same way a rapist is "more affectionate."
I don't know how a beer that's so watered-down still manages to be so catastrophically awful. It must have something to do with Satan.
Last time I drank a Miller Lite, my stomach went on strike for two months until I promised it a lobster and some Guiness.
And then there are the "vortex bottle" ads.
If your beer's greatest appeal is that the bottle is designed to get the beer the hell out of there so you don't have to spend as much time tasting it, you've got a problem. Might as well claim that it tastes better on the way back up from your stomach than the other beers (note: it doesn't).
In their defense, though, the watered-down taste isn't their fault. The only reason Miller Lite is so watery is because every time a new batch is brewed IT MAKES GOD CRY.
Yeah, yeah, I know. As soon as they stop deserving it, I'll stop harping on them.
Have you ever tried Miller Lite? (That's lite, not light, mind you. G's and H's are heavy.)
If you're scowling right now, the answer is probably yes.
"More taste or less taste?" they ask in their stomach-churning commercials, which employ the ever-so-subtle tactic of implying that if you drink a light beer other than theirs you must be a social pariah.
Well, the simple answer to that is "Depends on what the taste is." Let's say you're forced to eat a pile of cow dung. More taste or less taste? For the love of Horgh, less!
Miller Lite has "more taste" in the same way a rapist is "more affectionate."
I don't know how a beer that's so watered-down still manages to be so catastrophically awful. It must have something to do with Satan.
 |
| The face of ultimate evil |
Last time I drank a Miller Lite, my stomach went on strike for two months until I promised it a lobster and some Guiness.
And then there are the "vortex bottle" ads.
If your beer's greatest appeal is that the bottle is designed to get the beer the hell out of there so you don't have to spend as much time tasting it, you've got a problem. Might as well claim that it tastes better on the way back up from your stomach than the other beers (note: it doesn't).
In their defense, though, the watered-down taste isn't their fault. The only reason Miller Lite is so watery is because every time a new batch is brewed IT MAKES GOD CRY.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Bud Light is AWESOME!
I don't usually watch TV, so I'm rarely fortunate enough to see the AWESOME commercials that are on. However, during this football season, I had the distinct pleasure of seeing a bunch of HILARIOUS and BRILLIANT Bud Light Ads!
They're always about normal people like me doing HILARIOUS stuff like I always do while drinking Bud Light (which everyone does, duh!). My favorite one was like this:
The best part is how in every commercial, someone says their slogan, "Here We Go!" It's probably the best slogan ever because beer slogans should say something about how the beer tastes or its quality or some such and "Here We Go" TOTALLY does that! That's why it's so cool that they manage to shoehorn it into every commercial, having a character say it at a time that is completely appropriate and makes perfect sense!
Even though it's probably the best slogan ever, companies like to change their slogans pretty often so I came up with some more that are really good at describing Bud Light's taste, quality, and ability to make even the most boring times FUN! Here they are. Anheuser-Busch, you may use these free of charge.
They're always about normal people like me doing HILARIOUS stuff like I always do while drinking Bud Light (which everyone does, duh!). My favorite one was like this:
The best part is how in every commercial, someone says their slogan, "Here We Go!" It's probably the best slogan ever because beer slogans should say something about how the beer tastes or its quality or some such and "Here We Go" TOTALLY does that! That's why it's so cool that they manage to shoehorn it into every commercial, having a character say it at a time that is completely appropriate and makes perfect sense!
Even though it's probably the best slogan ever, companies like to change their slogans pretty often so I came up with some more that are really good at describing Bud Light's taste, quality, and ability to make even the most boring times FUN! Here they are. Anheuser-Busch, you may use these free of charge.
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| I know, right? Right? |
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| I really want a beer now, don't you? |
 |
| Self-explanatory |
Bud Light is the best!
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