Whoopi Goldberg Soils Herself and There's a Phallus In That Puppet (commercials that make me feel ill)

So let's say you're an actress.  You've won an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, and some Golden Globes.  You're filthy stinking rich.  What kind of commercials do you sign on for?  If you're me, the only commercials you run are public service announcements reminding the general populace that you're awesome and they're not and that you've just purchased the country of Honduras for your own personal vacation spot so could everyone living there kindly get the hell out, please?

If you're Whoopi Goldberg, you casually announce that you've been pissing yourself of late.

For those of you who didn't bother watching it, the commercial consists of Whoopi dressed in various outfits discussing her tendency to wet herself.  She then tries to brush it off like it's nothing, saying that one in three women have the same issue.

Ok, so about 2/3 of American women are overweight and 1/3 are peeing themselves... I'm no mathematician but statistically speaking, you're all disgusting.

I can't begin to understand why Ms. Goldberg feels it's necessary to tell us about her bladder problems, but it does explain a strange anomaly on one of her old movie posters:

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...And continuing in that vein, here's Jamie Lee Curtis reminding us that women need special yogurt to make them poop:

Those of you with weak stomachs probably didn't watch that, so in summary: two sacks of uterine filth are clucking about their holiday dinners and the younger one declares that she's constipated.  Her mother gleefully responds that she used to be plugged up too until she started eating the magical dairy Drano that Jamie Lee Curtis is hawking.  Is it just me or is Jamie Lee just a little too happy here?  Clearly this is not only gross, but a total sham.  Everyone knows women don't poop.

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Moving along.  If this next one doesn't give you nightmares, you're probably Jeffrey Dahmer.

 

Again, a summary: some unsuspecting bloke wakes up to find that the horrible, horrible Burger King mascot is in bed with him.  But it's ok because the King gives him a sandwich.  They hang out and share a laugh and everything's great until their hands touch, most likely reminding them of the brutal sodomy inflicted by the King the night before. 

This commercial is the king of all horrors.  Enough said.

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Every now and then, an ad comes along that has even me wondering if maybe living in a Tibetan monastery might be a preferable alternative to viewing any sort of media at all EVER.  This is one such ad.

To paraphrase the text on that ad for those of you who are so profoundly stupid as to not understand why this is so horrifying, there's more inside Doug the puppet than you would expect.  Apparently what's inside Doug is a flesh-colored object that has to be censored.  Yeah.  It's a... you know... well... a... umm... how to put this nicely...

Please don't make me go into more detail.

 The expression on Doug's face just makes it worse.  Is he ashamed?  Is he angry at the mystery man who (and this is why it's so horrible) must have reached his hand into Doug's body and found... that?

Suffice to say, I did not "click to expand for video."