Vince Wilfork Eats Ray Rice

Following Sunday's 31-30 loss to the Baltimore Ravens, New England Patriots defensive lineman Vince Wilfork was seen on the sidelines eating Ravens running back Ray Rice.
 Wilfork--known as a solid defender, excellent run stopper, and the fattest goddamned person ever to be seen on a football field ever in the history of everything--reportedly devoured Rice in only two bites, only pausing briefly to spit out his helmet.
When asked to explain his actions, Vince casually replied, "When you see somethin' that says 'Cheetos' on it, you don't stop to check if it's really got Cheetos in it.  You just eat it.  Sometimes the bag, too.  So I see somethin' that says 'Rice' on it and I'm like, 'Yeah, I could go for some rice right now.'  Turns out it was a guy instead.  [shrugs]  Hey, nobody's perfect."
Wilfork's girth has caused him issues before, often making him the butt (pun absolutely intended) of numerous jokes.

It's almost too easy.

He has been reprimanded in the past for similar incidents, having hastily devoured such contraband as 46 NFL regulation size footballs, 11 tackling dummies, former teammate Ty Law, and Bill Belichick's 1995 Chevrolet Cavalier.  It is unknown whether Vince will be disciplined for this recent conspicuous consumption.

Wilfork daydreaming about Pop Tarts and chocolate cake

In response to a reporter's question about whether Wilfork regretted the Ray Rice incident, Vince shrugged and replied, "Nah, I mean, he was ok I guess.  A little bland, though.  I mean, there was some [Patriots linebacker Jerod] Mayo there and all but what I really could've gone for was some soy sauce.  Yeeeeaaaah."
Wilfork then licked his lips, stomach rumbling as reporters fled in terror.

Rhythmic Gymnastics: My New Favorite Sport

As those of you not living in refrigerator boxes in dark alleys are probably aware, the Summer Olympics have been going on of late.  We've all seen the standard Olympic events (various track events, swimming, boat races, cattle mutilation, etc.) but the best part about the all-day Olympic TV coverage is you get to discover new sports.

Today, I'd like to talk about rhythmic gymnastics. 

"What are rhythmic gymnastics?" you ask, because you like asking stupid questions, the answers to which you were obviously going to get if you could have just waited a second or two.

Rhythmic gymnastics aren't gymnastics in the traditional sense, with all the vaulting and backflipping and whatever the hell it is those crazy Chinese dudes are doing.  The participant dances around with a ball, hula hoop, or ribbon.  They throw the aforementioned item around a bit.  They dance some more.  Maybe a somersault or two.
 
Yep.  That's it.  This sport must have been created as a failed attempt to get strippers into the Olympics.  Imagine the awkward childhood moments:
"What do you want to be when you grow up, Timmy?" asks the teacher.
"A fireman!"
"That sounds great!  And you, Sarah?"
"I'm gonna be a veterinarian!"
"Wonderful!  What about you, Olga?"
"I'm gonna dance around a lot and throw a ball in the air and catch it with my thighs."
"Yes... that sounds fun... we all like to play.  But what are you going to do for your career?"
"No, seriously!  Dancing!  With a ball!  Throw it!  Catch it!  Repeat!  I'm a princess!"
"Oh.  Well.  Um... your mother will be proud, I'm sure.  Hopefully there's a McDonald's hiring nearby."

"But wait!" you say.  "This doesn't sound like something you'd enjoy!  The page said it's your new favorite sport!  What's so great about it?"

Well, you see...

The umm... competitive nature of the sport is very...

You can easily appreciate the... rigorous.. ah... technicality of...

That is to say... anyone can enjoy the event's... philosophical...

OH MY GOD THAT'S HOT.  BEST OLYMPIC EVENT EVER!

Gatorade Coolers Threaten Strike

The NFL players and owners recently came to an agreement that both sides could be happy with, but there’s one group that isn’t happy: the Gatorade coolers. 

“We’ve been unhappy for a while now, and we had asked the NFL to put something in the new CBA to provide us with better working conditions, but what did we get?  Nothing!” says Frank the Gatorade Cooler, lead representative of the National Coalition of Athletic Beverage Dispensers.  The NCABD has been threatening to strike for months but held off in hopes that the NFL, one of its most important clients, would set an example to other sports organizations.  “We’ve always had a special relationship with the NFL.  Ever since the first time a team dumped one of us onto their coach after a Super Bowl win, we’ve been really close,” Frank reminisces.  “That’s why we were hoping they’d be the first to give us the treatment we deserve.” 

One might wonder why the NCABD would focus their resentment so strongly on a league that has had a mostly positive relationship with them.  “Honestly, the end result we were looking for was to get some leverage over Major League Baseball,” says one Gatorade cooler, speaking on condition of anonymity.  “We had hoped that if the NFL worked out a deal with us, MLB would be forced to follow suit.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, working a football game isn’t always a picnic.  My friend Al had to do four [Tennessee] Titans games last year and of course Kerry Collins got falling-down drunk before each game.  First time, he’s so trashed he thinks Al’s a urinal and pisses all over him.  Then the next two he lifts Al’s lid and spends the first quarter of the game puking into him.  That’s just [expletive] gross.  But that’s nothing compared to baseball,” he laments, rotating his lid back in forth in what can probably be considered the equivalent of shaking one’s head.

Gatorade coolers have indeed had a hard time of it in baseball.  San Francisco Giants fans recently witnessed closer Brian Wilson having a meltdown wherein he threw, punched, and hit a cooler with a bat.  2009 saw pitcher Carlos Zambrano taking a bat to a Gatorade dispenser in a Wrigley Field dugout after being ejected from a game.  The dispenser pressed charges, and Carlos was found guilty and sentenced to three more years of playing for the Cubs.  Zambrano appealed the sentence on the grounds that it was “cruel and unusual.”  His appeal was denied, but the presiding judge informed Carlos that if he behaved himself he’d be allowed to retire before the 2012 season.

These overt displays of hostility against Gatorade dispensers are just the tip of the iceberg, says Terry, a cooler who has been in the business for over 15 years.  “Yeah, you get thrown around a bit when a player gets ejected or is mad about something, and you’ll be sore for a week afterwards, but it’s the humiliation that’s the worst.  Players don’t respect us.  We’re always props in their little jokes, like that time when Derek Jeter told [Yankees pitcher C.C.] Sabathia that I was a giant burrito.  That fat son of a bitch took three huge bites out of me before he realized he’d been had.  Oh, and they all laughed about that one.  Jerks.” 

C.C. Sabathia after the "burrito" incident

  There have also been accusations of discrimination against dispensers in baseball.  Another anonymous source tells of a time he was disciplined for possessing contraband beverages when working a game in St. Louis a few years back.  “Yeah, apparently the batboy took a few drinks out of me and got sick, so they suspended me because they said I brought booze into the ballpark.  Everyone saw Scott Spezio pour half a bottle of vodka in me during the first inning.  But who ends up taking the fall?  The guys in orange.  Every time.”

Having been snubbed by the NFL, NCABD reps will vote Tuesday on whether or not to strike.  “We feel we’ve been reasonable up until this point,” says Frank the Gatorade Cooler.  “We thought we could count on the NFL to repay us for everything we’ve done.  Maybe after the next Super Bowl when we’re not there and the winning coach gets a huge urn of hot coffee dumped on him instead, someone will finally appreciate us.”