An Interview With Ben Stiller

As you may have noticed, I've largely been neglecting this elephant in favor of my slightly more serious one. However, I recently noticed I've been getting a lot of hits from yandex.ru, so for the glory of Mother Russia I carry on.

Not only am I back, but I'm back in a big way. I've managed to secure an exclusive one-on-one interview with none other than Ben Stiller, who you may have seen in a bunch of movies.

This freakin' guy.

Me: Good afternoon, Ben. Thank you for being here today.

Ben Stiller: No problem, thanks for having me!

Me: So you've got a new movie coming out soon, Zoolander 2.

BS: Um... Actually it came out a couple of weeks ago. That's why I had time to be here, ha ha!

Me: Mm hmm. So Ben, you're a fucking idiot, huh?

BS: [pause, nervous laughter] Ah, yeah... My character in the movie is definitely not the brightest, that's for sure.

Me: Don't be coy. I meant you and you know it.

BS: Umm....

Me: Let me tell you a little story, Ben.

BS: Ok...

Me: About 15 years ago, I saw Zoolander. At the time, I was an easily amused teenager and liked pretty much every comedy I saw.

BS: So you---

Me: But even a young, impressionable, easily amused me thought Zoolander was completely idiotic. Probably the worst movie ever.

BS: Oh.

Me: So now--15 years later--after what little relevance it may have ever possessed has completely expired--you made a sequel to the worst movie ever? Are you really that desperate? Did Night at the Museum 7 get canceled or something? What the hell were you thinking?

BS: Well.. um... There are a lot of people who... There was a real big push on the Internet to get a sequel made, and--

Me: Ben, if you put up a Kickstarter trying to raise funds to murder a thousand kittens, flay them, and sew their remnants into a statue of Mussolini you'd probably get more than a few takers.
The Internet is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE place.
If I had to name the five most terrible, soulless places in the world, the Internet would be all six of them.

BS: That doesn't--

Me: So don't give me that crap.

BS: [lip quivering]

Me: This movie was a shit idea and you know it.

BS: [sobbing] I know! Okay? I know! All I know how to do is play idiots! It's not what I want, It's just me. [sniffle] I've tried to do serious movies! I mean, it worked for Steve Carell, so why not me?

Me: Aw, Ben. Come on. Steve Carell's better than you.

BS: [sobbing continues] Of course he is! But even Will Farrell managed to do a decent movie where he didn't play a total moron!

Me: Ah, you mean Stranger Than Fiction.

BS: [sniffle] Mm hmm. 

Me: Yes, that movie is a shining star on a résumé that's otherwise smeared with feces. Probably would have been better with someone other than him, but still good.
Speaking of Will, he's in this new movie too, right?

BS: [nodding, blowing nose]

Me: Do you guys ever talk outside of work?

BS: We hang out sometimes, yeah.

Me: Tell him he sucks. He's probably the second worst human being on this planet. You're the worst, of course.

BS: [silence, blowing of nose, followed by more self-conscious silence]

Me: [silence]

BS: [sniffle] Can I leave now? 

Me: I don't care what you do, Ben. [He gets up to leave] No one does.

Royals Players Upset at Having to Cancel Vacations

The Kansas City Royals will be facing the Baltimore Orioles in the ALCS this year, marking their first appearance in the playoffs since 1985. Though a happy occasion for the fans, this has led some players to complain about an unwanted side effect.

"My wife and I were going to Hawaii," lamented pitcher James Shields. "I'm supposed to be there right now."

James Shields and his wife not vacationing in Hawaii

"Yeah, me too," added outfielder Alex Gordon. "We booked a flight for October 5th. I figured no way would we still be in the playoffs now."

Other Royals players echoed Gordon's sentiments, saying that even though they had acknowledged the possibility of Kansas City making it to the one-game wild card playoff, the likelihood of advancing further was almost nonexistent.

Catcher Salvador Perez seemed to take it even harder than most:
"This is bullshit. My plane tickets to Cancun are non-refundable. Non-refundable. None of us saw this coming," he told reporters yesterday. "I mean, last time this team was in the playoffs I wasn't even born."

"I didn't even know we were allowed in the playoffs," Eric Hosmer [1B] chimed in.

DH Billy Butler reportedly complained to journalists that he hadn't planned a trip, but had really been looking forward to watching the LCS from home.

"I was gonna make nachos, too!"

Though bemoaning their missed vacation time, players are taking solace in the knowledge that at least they'll finally get some time off after getting swept by Baltimore.

Why I Like Colder Weather

It's quite simple, really.

Humour No One Will Understand Vol II

Humour No One Will Understand Vol I

"Alot" borrowed (without permission of course) from Allie Brosh @ hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

Consumer Warning! DO NOT USE EXFOLIANTS!

If you've bought any skin care products recently, you may have noticed that many contain chemicals called "exfoliants." Manufacturers claim that these chemicals open pores and clean skin.
THIS IS NOT TRUE.
In the Vietnam War, the U.S. military used DEFOLIANTS to cause the leaves of trees to fall off.
If you look at the etymology of the word "defoliant," you have the prefix de- meaning a negation or removal, and -foliant from foliage, meaning leaves or greenery.
Similarly in "exfoliant," you have the prefix ex- meaning "out of," and -foliant as mentioned before. This means that using these products will cause LEAVES to GROW OUT OF YOUR SKIN!
Below is a picture of Attila Csihar (vocalist of the band Mayhem) who, after fighting a losing battle with exfoliants, is now a tree.

Manufacturers don't want you to know about this horrible reality because ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS MONEY and not the well-being of their customers.
Please pass this information on to your friends and maybe we can help get these destructive products taken off the shelves!

What Meat Loaf Wouldn't Do For Love: The Bold Claims of Popular Musicians (Part 3)

Twice before (exhibit A, exhibit B), we have brought closure to the great mysteries surrounding many popular song lyrics.  Today, we're back for exhibit C.

No!  Not like that!

Finding from our second foray that interviews are a little more personal and conclusive, we've decided to continue in that format.

---

Statement:

    "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."

"Artist" / Song
    Meat Loaf / I Would Do Anything For Love

"I can't believe they used my song for that damned M&Ms commercial!"

Information:
    I have to believe it's something like toe sucking or pee.  Meat Loaf seems pretty kinky, but everyone's gotta draw the line somewhere.  Or maybe going vegan is his one no-no.

I SAID NO VEGGIES!

The interview:
  
    Meat Loaf: Hello?
    Me:  Hello, Mr. Loaf?
    Meat:  [laughs] Oh, you don't have to call me that!
    Me:  Oh, right. YOUR NAME IS ROBERT PAULSEN.
    Meat:  [sigh]
    Me:  Moving right along. So, in that song "I Would Do Anything For Love," you say you'd do anything for love but you won't do that. What do you mean by "that?"
    Meat:  Bondage.
    Me:  Bondage?
    Meat:  Yep. Bondage. Won't do it.
    Me:  Really. Wow. I mean, I've heard a lot of people are willing to do a little bondage here and there... I was expecting something a little more... serious.
    Meat:  Nope. That's it. Some of the things I've done for love... well, you don't wanna know.
    Me:  But no bondage.
    Meat:  Nope. Right out.
    Me:  Okay then. Well, thank you.
    Meat:  No problem. Wait... so... who did you say you were again? And for that matter, who gave you my phone number?
    Me:  Ssssshhh. First rule of Project Mayhem, Bob. [click]

The Verdict:
    Bondage.  Who would have known?

---

Statement:
    "I kissed a girl and I liked it."

"Artist" / Song:
    Katy Perry / I Kissed a Girl

Katy Perry: Kissing girls and looking confused since  2008

Information:
    We tried to figure this one out in our last installment, but were unsuccessful.  But we're nothing if not tenacious, so let's have another go.

The interview:
    Katy Perry’s PR Rep:  Hello, [name of PR agency], [this chick’s name] speaking. How may I help you?
    Me:  May I speak to Katy Perry, please?
    PR Rep:  This is her talent agency, would you like to set up an interview?
    Me:  Absolutely.
    PR Rep:  All right, and who are you with?
    Me:  Jesus, do you ask everyone that or does my voice just get you all hot and bothered?
    PR Rep:  I... Excuse me?
    Me:  Because if some attention's what you need I could be there in half an hour wearing nothing but a smile.
    PR Rep:  Um.
    Me:  And some clothes. My lawyer has advised me not to leave my residence without first putting on some clothes.
    PR Rep:  Ok, I--
    Me:  So I guess I won't be smiling after all because damn do I hate wearing pants, you feel me? You know, maybe we should just call the whole thing off.

At this point she hung up on me. Fortunately I had cloned Liam Neeson's phone a few days ago for just this sort of situation and used his number to call her back.

    PR Rep:  Hello, [name of PR agency], [this chick’s name] speaking. How may I help you?
    Me:  I meant call off our little liason, not the interview. Sorry. I guess I was unclear.
    PR Rep:  Okay, I'm--
    Me: Hangonhangonhangon! Donthanguponmeplease!
    PR Rep  [angrily, after a long pause]:  What?
    Me:  I just want to know--did Katy Perry in fact kiss a girl and if so did she in fact like it?
    PR Rep:  [silence]
    Me:  I'm serious.
    PR Rep:  [sigh] Sure. She totally kissed a girl. It was great. She liked it. Loved it in fact. Are you happy now? [pause] Hello?
    Me:  How do you know?
    PR Rep:  [silence]
    Me: It was YOU, wasn't it?
    PR Rep:  I... Um.
    Me:  Oh, thats hot. I'll be there in thirty minutes. [click]

The verdict:
    CAAAAAAAN YOOU FEEEEL THE LOOOOOOVE TONIIIIIIIGHT

---

Statement:
    "And if you complain once more, you'll meet an army of me."

"Artist" / Song
    Bjork / Army of Me

Look into my eyes, hated enemy!

Information:
    Well, let's not beat around the bush. I complain a lot. Here's the important question--is Bjork raising an army?

The interview:
    Bjork:  Yeh?
    Me:  Um. Hello. Ms. Bjork?
    B:  Yeh?
    Me:  Hi. Um. Just wondering... I ah... sorry about all the complaining and all... I... um... are you building an army of yourself?
    B:  Kannski sjúga á tærnar smá stund?
    Me:  Oh my. Uh, I mean, the thought of a few thousand of you rampaging across the unsullied virgin landscapes of my precious homeland, I... [gulp]
    B:  Ég myndi mjög mikið njóta að sjá falleg sólsetur frá blóm graslendi Knolls sem fjalla um landslag fallegt jörðinni okkar!
    Me:  OH GOD SAVE US!!!!!!!!!!

The verdict:
    HER NAME IS LEGION FOR SHE IS MANY!  REPENT, FOR THE END IS NIGH!