Elevators: A Guide For Idiots Like You

Let's not mince words here.  You're an idiot.  As such, you have great difficulty operating simple devices such as elevators.

This elevator is for you.

The following is a guide for idiots wherein we'll discuss your idiotic elevator-related actions and thoughts, what goes on in response to your stupidity, and the unfortunate results thereof.
We hope this guide will help you in your future elevatorial endeavors.

Action #1:  Repeatedly pushing the button for the floor to which you are going

What you think:

“Ohmygod hurry up close the door I'm in a hurry I need to go to the eighth floor NOOOOOOOWWW!”

What the elevator thinks:

I will go to the eighth floor when I'm damn well ready.

Result:

The elevator goes to the requested floor when it's damn well ready.

Action #2:  Pushing the “up” elevator request button

What you think:

“Urrr... I need to go... down?”

What the elevator thinks:

Going up.

Result:

You go up.

Action #3:  Getting onto the elevator and not pushing any buttons

What you think:

“Yaaaay I'm on an elevator! I get to go straight to the floor I want!”

What the elevator thinks:

For all I know, there's no one in me.

Result:

Elevator roulette.

Action #4:  Standing stationary right in the middle of the doorway as the doors open

What you think:

“Duuuuuuuhhhhhh... [Crickets chirping. Fart noises.]”

What everyone else on the elevator thinks:

“What the hell's this guy's problem? The doors just opened, which obviously means someone needs to get on or off. I mean, he does know there are seven other people in here, right? God, what a moron.”

Result:

Everyone hates you and is now painfully aware of what an idiot you are.

Action #5:  Pushing every freaking button

What you think:

“I need to go to five. I mean eight. No, wait; seven. Two.”

What everyone else thinks:

“Bastard.”

Result:

Everyone hates you and gets a twenty minute elevator ride as the doors open and shut on EVERY GODDAMN FLOOR.

Screw it, I'll just take the stairs.

We hope this guide has been useful to you and invite you to also read our other helpful guides such as "Urinating: The Floor Is Not Where You Should Do This."